Newsletter

My mom raised five children. Four boys and then me – the youngest and the only girl. To this day, I hear comments like, “Wow, four boys? How did your mom do it?” and “Oh my god, she must have been so relieved to finally have you.” This orientation towards boys is what writer Ruth Whippman details in her recent book, “BoyMom.” She describes the way that we, adults in this world, can hinder boys’ development by assuming that their biology is fixed – that “boys will be boys.” While not always consciously, we often reinforce this cultural narrative.

Without even noticing, we influence caregivers’ sense of how much of an impact they can have in the development of young boys. Meanwhile, we absolutely can influence the trajectory of boys’ social-emotional capacity. In a New York Times article, Lise Eliot, a professor of neuroscience at Rosalind Franklin University and the author of “Pink Brain, Blue Brain,” comments, “brain sex differences aren’t as strong as we make them out to be.”

With this in mind, the first step in raising respectful and kind boys is to parent them (or "aunt" them) more like we do our girls. Strengthen their emotional vocabularies, build their self-regulation skills, develop their awareness of self and others, and deepen those hugs.

How do we help boys grow into respectful men? Keep doing what you’re doing, Auntie.

Talking about sex can be challenging. When a child says something sexual or asks a question about sex, I often see caregivers either abandon the comment or respond with total abandon. They either warn the child, “that’s inappropriate,” and change topics, or they over-share intimate details about sex and sexuality that the child was neither interested in nor prepared for. These responses come from both a desire to care for the child and a fear of doing wrong by them. The caretaker who avoids the question is trying to protect the child from ideas and information that won’t make sense to them. But that same avoidance is also driven by a fear of uncomfortable conversations. The caretaker who goes full-on when the child asks a simple yes or no question is trying to equip the child with all the information they might need. But that same eagerness is also driven by a fear of the child making their own mistakes.

When a child shares a comment that’s sexual in nature, when you find a porn website in their browser history, or when you overhear them making a misogynist comment, instead of taking the path of avoidance or, on the opposite end of the spectrum, the path of overeagerness, continue to do as you did and lead with curiosity. You might gently say, “I’ve never heard you say that before,” “what do you think that means?” or, “what do you know about that?”

Make space to gather more information. Not only does this approach give you more insight into what would be a situationally appropriate and developmentally appropriate response, but it also allows the child to see you take a beat and respond with curiosity. If we want our boys to be curious about their partners' and friends’ emotions, interests, wants, and boundaries, we must model these behaviors. Show kids how to ask information-gathering questions. Help them see what being an active listener looks like.

Your sister is on to something in her fears about making her sons feel guilty or like they are a threat. We know that overwhelmingly, men are the perpetrators of sexual violence.

As a caregiver, it's only natural to want to protect boys and men from this path. But your sister is right, without attention to how we do so, our attempts to keep boys from becoming perpetrators of harm can land us in a place that's no better.

Boys are aware of their role as initiators of sex in the heterosexual cultural narrative; establishing consent is a duty that comes along with that role. Meanwhile, much mainstream consent education doesn’t leave room for “grey areas” of consent. Standalone slogans like “Yes means yes,” “Ask first, ask always,” and “Without consent, it’s not sex—it’s assault” are commonplace. In many cases, young people are also learning (as they should) that because of power dynamics, people might say yes when they don’t really mean yes.

We implicitly and explicitly teach boys that the stakes are high, the responsibility falls entirely on them, and that even though “yes means yes,” sometimes, it doesn’t. This is a lot for young boys to take on, especially when their social-emotional development is often under-attended to and they don’t–according to research–feel like they have the tools to navigate their relationships in healthy ways.

When we detach ourselves from that “boys will be boys” mentality and add nuance and egalitarianism into the mix, we can better prepare our boys for what lies ahead without inducing fear, guilt, or shame. Use books, TV, and other media as jumping off points for conversations about emotional vulnerability, identity, and navigating differences. Encourage them to notice their body feelings. Help develop their language to describe what their body looks and feels like when they’re excited, sad, nervous, angry, etc. Practice perspective-taking and empathy. Ask, “How might that person be feeling right now? How do you know?”

When we believe our boys have the capacity for relational and emotional nuance, and when we treat them as such, they can become the young men we know they can be.

Thank you for bringing so much of your authentic self to this question. It’s clear how self-aware you are about both your own comfort levels and the shifting cultural norms around you. You’re processing the messaging you’re receiving from all directions, but you’re also wise to pause, question it, and take stock of your feelings.

What you’re experiencing is a perfect example of how sexual norms have rapidly evolved over the past decade. Practices like sexual strangulation (colloquially known as ‘choking’), have become increasingly mainstream, largely through their prevalence in pornography. As strangulation and similar practices become more normalized, many people find themselves caught off guard, grappling with new pressures and questioning whether they’re “good enough” in bed.

It’s a great sign that you and your partner are already having conversations about exclusivity and commitment. This shows you’ve established a foundation of trust with one another. Her feeling safe enough to share her desires about strangulation with you is a positive sign for your relationship. It’s the same trust that will be crucial for you now as you learn to express your needs and limits.

The sex you see in pornography is not always an accurate depiction of what everyone enjoys. While the growing acceptance of kink can open new pathways for pleasure, it also calls for deeper trust, communication, and mutual understanding around safety and consent. When popular culture began featuring rougher sexual dynamics, they created widespread curiosity without showcasing the extensive communication and safety practices that accompany them. This leaves many people intrigued by activities they’ve seen normalized on screen without the tools and understanding to engage in the critical conversations that experienced practitioners consider non-negotiable.

It might sound counterintuitive, but despite porn’s portrayal of sex as spontaneous, hot, and edgy, good sexual connection often requires more communication, not less. This is true whether you’re in a long-term relationship, a casual hookup, or anything in between. Your hesitation is your mind and body signaling discomfort—and that’s worth listening to.

It’s also important to name the physical realities of strangulation, even when done “lightly.” Restricting blood flow to the brain can cause serious harm, including stroke, unconsciousness, and brain damage. Unlike other forms of play where you might get warning signs from your body, oxygen deprivation can happen quickly without an alarm. It’s not about being prudish, it’s about being mindful of both your partner’s safety and your boundaries.

Similar to “having the talk” about your relationship status, it’s essential to have conversations about what safe sex looks like in your relationship. Not just when it comes to condoms and STIs, but different kinds of sex, too. You’ve clearly put a lot of thought into your question, and it’s obvious you care deeply for your partner. But it’s just as important to prioritize your own comfort and safety.

I’m also struck by the mention of your partner’s ex. Even when past relationships aren’t actively part of the conversation, comparisons can still linger beneath the surface. Gender expectations often place pressure on men to be willing to do anything sexually to prove themselves as adventurous, powerful, or “good in bed.” But declining to engage in a specific act doesn’t make you a bad partner. In fact, the thought and care that you’re placing in your approach shows that you're going above and beyond to please your partner and ensure her safety.

I recognize the fear that setting this type of boundary could be perceived as a turn-off, but if you’ve built the foundation that it sounds like you have, I encourage you to trust that it’s strong enough to survive an honest conversation like this. It might help to bring it up outside of a sexual context. If talking in person feels daunting, a text or voice note can also work and might help ease some of your anxiety.

You might say something like, “I’ve been thinking a lot about the choking thing, and I really appreciate you trusting me with that. I understand it’s becoming more common, but it’s not something I feel comfortable doing. I’d love to explore other ways we could create similar intensity in our sex life if you’re open to that.” This approach affirms her desires without shaming them, names your boundaries, and leaves the door open for other sexual activities you’re both interested in exploring together.

A relationship built on mutual respect has a much stronger foundation than one where either partner feels pressured to override their discomfort. If she truly cares for you (which it sounds like she does), she'll respect your boundaries and work with you to find common ground, and maybe even something new.

Sexual compatibility isn't about performing every act your partner might desire or fantasize about, it's about building a shared space where both partners feel safe, heard, and genuinely connected. The right partner will value your honesty more than your willingness to do something that doesn’t feel right.

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I can feel that reflecting on this is causing you worry. Questioning ourselves is healthy but it can also be an uncomfortable place as we can find ourselves in confusing spirals. Good on you for staying with it and taking the time.

You importantly named the male gaze early on. As a societal lens, it shapes everything to be understood through a heterosexual male lens especially in media and art. Women are depicted as sexual objects to be consumed, as you’ve named, and that’s why when you mentioned how your “eyes are drawn” to media depictions of women’s bodies I thought “of course they are”. Patriarchy has told you (and all of us!) to look at and consume women and femininity; ever seen ads selling food with a picture of a naked woman? What’s the relevance? There is none. Patriarchy just wants you to look at it so it can make money and it knows we’re socialised to consume the female form.

Similarly, your eyes are drawn to an underwear ad or vulva in a museum – this is a symptom of this socialisation. That doesn’t make you a bad person, it makes you a man in patriarchy. The discomfort you’re feeling in response might be you noticing your brain doing something it’s been socialised into that feels almost involuntary. Remember, a bus advert or art piece are not people that could be harmed by being objectified, but it’s healthy to worry about what this signals about how you perceive women more broadly, and if you’re noticing this being a constant interruption to your day then you’re right to be wary of it. Be compassionate to yourself though in the process.

Let’s discuss the distinction between “looking” and “objectifying”. As a man, knowing and talking about this with your mates is super important.

Objectifying someone with our eyes is when the subject – in this case a woman – ceases to be understood by the viewer as a complex person with feelings and needs but instead becomes an object purely for exercising the viewers desire or impulses in that moment. There is very little connection, consideration or empathy towards them and the dehumanisation means the viewer’s satisfaction becomes more important to them than the subject’s humanity or safety.‍

Now, let's focus on looking at women rather than media designed to make you look: have you ever noticed an absence of consideration, empathy for women in these moments? Is there a compulsion to keep looking, to consume, or do you struggle to look away? Or when you look at a woman, do you see her as a human who is attractive to you, notice yourself looking and enjoying the experience, before becoming aware of how it might make her feel and looking away? Notice how these are different. One is consuming someone with no regard for their humanity and the other is finding looking at someone pleasurable whilst keeping their humanity central.

The guilt and shame you mentioned feeling at receiving visual pleasure is coming from somewhere, and it's important you are able to excavate where: is it because you are objectifying women with your gaze and want it to stop, or because you are defining looking respectfully as “objectifying” simply because you are a man attracted to women? Maybe journaling on this could be good for you.

Reflecting on how often you spend time in spaces dedicated to engaging with women where the male gaze is removed might also be an enlightening experience – head to some great exhibitions, theatre, watch some great feminist movies etc. I’d also recommend the documentary The Feminist on Cellblock Y and bell hooks’ The Will To Change to continue your learning on patriarchy and masculinity.

Finally, you spoke about wanting to be an “enlightened man” and I sense that you might see this as a destination to get to. I want to gently offer a reframe; becoming a compassionate, safe person who embodies the type of society they want to live in is a constant practice. We live in a patriarchal system socialising us into behaviours in new ways all the time, so seeing this as a destination is a little bit like wanting to get to the point of having perfectly clean teeth one day despite always eating. We brush our teeth every day for a reason, right? This type of growth is an every day + forever thing, too.

You will never arrive at being the perfect feminist man, because the perfect feminist man has no room to grow.

Be prepared to do what you’re doing now: sitting in discomfort, asking questions, and bettering yourself for you and your community, all of it imperfectly. And know that you will mess up again and again, but that messing up is a chance to learn how accountability and learning repair deepens your relationships, your respect for yourself and your own humanity over the course of your life.

Commit to the journey, not the destination, and keep asking yourself the hard questions. Good luck!

Written by Gina Martin

It’s incredibly brave to name these fears and speak honestly about the tension between your values and your desires. As a 30-year-old who grew up in a Christian household, I’m still unpacking a lot of this too. I still remember sitting on the floor during Sunday School as a shy 11-year-old while the pastor passed around a single, beautiful rose. She told us not to be careful with it. Some kids ripped off petals, others tossed it across the room, a few passed it gently. When the rose returned to her, petal-less and bruised, she held it up and said, “This is what happens when you give yourself away before marriage.”

Whether or not your experience with Christianity looked exactly like that, this story reflects a common message in purity culture: that sex before marriage diminishes your worth. These kinds of metaphors, sometimes taught with good intentions, can leave lasting emotional wounds, and a lot of unanswered questions about sex. The idea that a “piece of your soul” goes with each partner can create deep fear, guilt, and shame, especially when you're starting to make your own choices about sex and relationships.

It’s important to say: these messages are not the entirety of Christianity, and many people of faith find ways to hold onto their spirituality while embracing a more compassionate, empowering view of their sexuality. Still, the legacy of purity culture is real, and it can shape how we see our bodies, our relationships, and even our sense of self. The good news is: unlearning shame is possible and you deserve to have pleasurable sex. 

That said, I understand why you feel scared. It’s common to worry that the experience might be painful physically, emotionally, or spiritually, no matter your faith background. Whatever the reason, fear deserves to be met with compassion, not pressure.

To me, the fear you’re experiencing is an indicator that you’re being thoughtful about your decisions, and that’s a good thing. Paying attention to your body, your boundaries, and your values is one of the most important ways to care for yourself and your sexual health. So rather than pushing those feelings aside, give yourself space to sit with them. Start exploring where they come from, and gently ask yourself what you want sex to look and feel like. You are in control of what you do, when you do it, and who you do it with.

Give yourself permission to take things slowly

If and when you decide you're ready to take that next step, there are ways to make the experience feel safer, emotionally and physically. You don’t have to rush into anything, and you definitely don’t have to follow anyone else’s timeline. Taking it slow isn’t just okay, it’s encouraged! Moving at your own pace builds trust with yourself and helps create a foundation for a more comfortable, connected experience.

Explore your own body first

One of the best ways to feel more grounded and confident is by exploring your own body before sharing it with someone else. Masturbation, despite the stigma many of us were raised with, can be a powerful way to learn what feels good, what feels uncomfortable, and what helps you feel safe and connected during sex.

There’s no one “right” way to do it. If you’re just starting out, create a private, relaxed space and use your hands to touch the parts of your body that feel good. External touch, especially around the vulva and clitoris, can be incredibly pleasurable and informative, it’s how many people with vulvas experience orgasm. You deserve to feel pleasure without shame or fear, and those self-love sessions can play a big role in helping you build confidence and trust in your body.

Communicate with your partner

If and when you're with someone else, communication is everything. Talk openly about your boundaries, your fears, your needs, and safer sex practices. You might say something like:

• “I want to take this really slow.”
• “Can we check in with each other as we go?”
• “I want us to use protection. Are you comfortable with condoms?”

A partner who respects you will care about your comfort, your safety, and your emotional well-being, not just the physical experience. 

Dealing with pain

A lot of people worry that their first time is going to hurt, and while that’s a possibility, it doesn’t have to. Pain is often caused by tension, lack of arousal, not enough lubrication, or moving too quickly. So preparation is key. To help prevent discomfort, focus on:

• Using plenty of lube (water-based or silicone-based if using condoms)
• Spending lots of time on foreplay
• Creating a relaxed environment
• Listening to your body and checking in with your partner

Your body and mind need time to ease into things. Arousal isn’t just physical, it’s mental and emotional too which is why foreplay is so broad. Foreplay can be anything that helps you feel prepared and turned on. That might mean having a slow, intimate date, engaging in playful or deep conversation, taking a warm bath, wearing something that makes you feel sexy, or simply cuddling, kissing, and touching before going further.

Figure out what gets you in the mood and don’t be afraid to ask for what you need. Check in with your partner before, during, and after sex. This helps build trust and ensures you’re not pushing past your limits. If anything starts to feel painful, say something. You’re allowed to pause. You’re allowed to stop. You never owe anyone a full sexual experience that ends with orgasm. 

Aftercare

Just like your body and mind need time to ease into sex, they also need time to ease back out of it. That’s where aftercare comes in. Aftercare is all about caring for yourself and your partner after sex. And it doesn’t have to be complicated. At its core, aftercare is about respect, presence, and checking in with each other. That might look like cuddling, talking about how you’re feeling, journaling, watching a comfort show, taking a warm shower, sharing a snack, going for a walk, or listening to music—whatever helps you feel safe, grounded, and emotionally okay. Aftercare is especially helpful if you’re navigating lingering shame or anxiety. It’s a way to remind yourself: that was fun and I’m okay. 

Whether you wait, explore solo, or decide to have sex with a partner, you are allowed to take your time and choose what feels right for you. And no matter what you choose, your worth is never diminished.

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Teaching boundary-setting and consent to our kids is challenging.

When we were teens, we mostly learned about sex and relationships through mainstream media, confident but uninformed older siblings, and, as you mentioned, limited sex education. If having these conversations feels challenging, you’re not alone. Whether you’re a parent or childfree, we all have unlearning and new learning to do. Thankfully, there are more resources than ever to help you along the way.

Children act according to the behavior and norms they observe. When a child watches a movie in which the heartthrob teenage boy tells his friends that they’re not allowed to date a certain girl because she’s ‘his’, they’re learning that circumventing a woman’s agency is okay, and maybe even romantic. When a child overhears us telling our friend, “I really don’t have the energy to go but I feel he’ll be mad if I don’t,” they’re learning to conceal the truth about their capacity and make decisions based on others’ emotions.

These instances alone aren’t going to change your child’s sexual or relational trajectory but when they regularly observe these behaviors, especially without other intervention and education, their own behaviors will be impacted.

Upon reading this, you might be tempted to hide the remote and start taking all phone calls from your bedroom. I promise, there’s a better way forward.

Role modeling

You already know some of the key things you want your child to know – how to set boundaries and her right to say no. Consider the ways that you may have undermined these messages through your own behavior and share this with your daughter. This might sound like, “I want you to know that it’s okay to say no. I struggle to say no sometimes. I feel like it’ll be my fault if they’re upset with my decision and I hate that feeling so I just try to keep them happy. I’m working on remembering that their feelings belong to them and it’s okay if they’re disappointed by my no. I’m going to try to be more consistent with this – for my own sake and yours. I want to be a good model of boundary-setting for you.”

Pause and give her time to respond. She might share similar feelings or just roll her eyes. Not engaging doesn’t mean she didn’t hear you. Keep awareness around when you’re saying yes and no. You can narrate the thoughts in your head like, “Oh gosh, I said yes again without thinking. I’m going to call her back.”

You can even ask your daughter if they’re willing to support you by calling you out when you instinctually say yes or say yes when you’d rather say no. Teenagers love telling their parents they messed up. Use this to your advantage to make the learning more interactive.

Media as a springboard

As for those movies, TV shows, and videos on social media that might be harmful to our kids’ understanding of relationships and consent, find out what kind of media literacy her school is focused on while also taking efforts into your own hands. When you watch a movie together, talk about certain characters’ decisions. If you witness a scene where a character says ‘yes’ after saying ‘no’ many times, you might say, “I get why she agreed there, he kept on begging. What do you think about that?”.

You also mentioned that you want your daughter to know how being drunk can impact consent. You can use media as an entry point to this conversation, too. Focus on getting her to think critically about the effect of intoxicants on the brain and the kind of sex a person might want to have and how alcohol can play a part there. It can boost confidence and lead to women asking for what they want but alcohol is also often involved in sexual assault. It’s important to teach your daughter about what consent is and isn’t and it’s important for your daughter to learn how to make thoughtful decisions in complicated situations. These conversations will help with that.

Your daughter is lucky to have a proactive parent like you. Thank you for your question.

It sounds like you’re experiencing a lot of complicated emotions right now, and that’s completely okay.

You are allowed to feel upset, conflicted, and unsure about your partner’s porn use—especially given how he’s accessing it. While there’s nothing inherently wrong with watching adult content, everyone has their own boundaries and comfort levels when it comes to porn. That’s why ongoing communication is essential in any relationship. I think it’s amazing that you’ve already put effort into expressing your feelings. I wish he would’ve thought about them more, but porn is a deeply personal topic and navigating it with a partner can be challenging. Ultimately, you have the right to define what feels acceptable in your relationship, and if his porn use continues to make you uncomfortable, it’s absolutely worth addressing.

It sounds like your boyfriend isn’t fully clear on where you stand or what you need from him. That doesn’t mean your feelings don’t matter, it just means that a more direct conversation is necessary so that you can both get on the same page. If you decide to bring this up, you might want to start by clarifying your boundaries. You could say, “I know we’ve talked about this before, but I need to be clear—watching porn makes me uncomfortable, and I’d like to understand where we both stand on this.” Or, “I know watching porn is normal for a lot of people, but it’s not something I feel comfortable with. I don’t want to be controlling, but I do want to share how this makes me feel and get your perspective.”

You can learn about his perspective by asking him questions regarding his views on porn and ethical concerns. You could say, “Would you be open to setting boundaries around porn use together? What would that look like for you?” Or, “How do you view porn in the context of our relationship?” His responses can help you gauge whether your values align and if this is something you want to work through together.

That said, what you discovered about how he’s consuming porn adds another layer to the conversation, but it needs to be had.

I believe there is a way to take responsibility for invading his privacy while still shifting the conversation toward the bigger issue—how his porn consumption is affecting you. You could say something like: “I know it wasn’t cool of me to look at your phone, and I take responsibility for that. At the same time, I can’t ignore what I found and how it makes me feel. Can we talk about it?”

It’s also important to express why the specific way he’s engaging with porn makes you uncomfortable. Personally, I’d be concerned because many of these forums engage in content piracy, which can exploit sex workers who rely on OnlyFans for their income. You might share these concerns or have additional ones, all of which are valid. Having an open and honest conversation can help you understand his perspective while also giving you the space to express your own.

Finally, take the time to reflect on what all of this means for you. Is this something you feel you can work through and rebuild trust around? Are you open to compromise? Or has it shifted how you see your partner and the relationship? Your feelings matter, and you deserve a relationship where your boundaries and concerns are respected.

I’m sending you all the love and support as you navigate this.