How do I start teaching my kids about consent?

Teaching boundary-setting and consent to our kids is challenging.

When we were teens, we mostly learned about sex and relationships through mainstream media, confident but uninformed older siblings, and, as you mentioned, limited sex education. If having these conversations feels challenging, you’re not alone. Whether you’re a parent or childfree, we all have unlearning and new learning to do. Thankfully, there are more resources than ever to help you along the way.

Children act according to the behavior and norms they observe. When a child watches a movie in which the heartthrob teenage boy tells his friends that they’re not allowed to date a certain girl because she’s ‘his’, they’re learning that circumventing a woman’s agency is okay, and maybe even romantic. When a child overhears us telling our friend, “I really don’t have the energy to go but I feel he’ll be mad if I don’t,” they’re learning to conceal the truth about their capacity and make decisions based on others’ emotions.

These instances alone aren’t going to change your child’s sexual or relational trajectory but when they regularly observe these behaviors, especially without other intervention and education, their own behaviors will be impacted.

Upon reading this, you might be tempted to hide the remote and start taking all phone calls from your bedroom. I promise, there’s a better way forward.

Role modeling

You already know some of the key things you want your child to know – how to set boundaries and her right to say no. Consider the ways that you may have undermined these messages through your own behavior and share this with your daughter. This might sound like, “I want you to know that it’s okay to say no. I struggle to say no sometimes. I feel like it’ll be my fault if they’re upset with my decision and I hate that feeling so I just try to keep them happy. I’m working on remembering that their feelings belong to them and it’s okay if they’re disappointed by my no. I’m going to try to be more consistent with this – for my own sake and yours. I want to be a good model of boundary-setting for you.”

Pause and give her time to respond. She might share similar feelings or just roll her eyes. Not engaging doesn’t mean she didn’t hear you. Keep awareness around when you’re saying yes and no. You can narrate the thoughts in your head like, “Oh gosh, I said yes again without thinking. I’m going to call her back.”

You can even ask your daughter if they’re willing to support you by calling you out when you instinctually say yes or say yes when you’d rather say no. Teenagers love telling their parents they messed up. Use this to your advantage to make the learning more interactive.

Media as a springboard

As for those movies, TV shows, and videos on social media that might be harmful to our kids’ understanding of relationships and consent, find out what kind of media literacy her school is focused on while also taking efforts into your own hands. When you watch a movie together, talk about certain characters’ decisions. If you witness a scene where a character says ‘yes’ after saying ‘no’ many times, you might say, “I get why she agreed there, he kept on begging. What do you think about that?”.

You also mentioned that you want your daughter to know how being drunk can impact consent. You can use media as an entry point to this conversation, too. Focus on getting her to think critically about the effect of intoxicants on the brain and the kind of sex a person might want to have and how alcohol can play a part there. It can boost confidence and lead to women asking for what they want but alcohol is also often involved in sexual assault. It’s important to teach your daughter about what consent is and isn’t and it’s important for your daughter to learn how to make thoughtful decisions in complicated situations. These conversations will help with that.

Your daughter is lucky to have a proactive parent like you. Thank you for your question.