I feel like I have to hit a sex quota

Thank you for sharing such a vulnerable submission.

First, I want to commend you for how reflective and self-aware you are in processing these feelings. It’s completely understandable that even after resolving things with your partner, you still feel an underlying pressure to maintain a certain sexual frequency. Even in relationships where we feel loved and safe, social norms and pressures can find ways to creep in. The fact that you’re thinking deeply about this and seeking to understand the root of these feelings shows how much you value both your relationship and your own emotional well-being.

It makes sense that this realization has left you feeling like there’s an unspoken expectation or duty to fulfill, even though your partner has reassured you. When we internalize the idea that sex is something we “owe” our partner, it can be difficult to separate desire from obligation. These subtle pressures can shape our experiences of intimacy, even where communication is strong and both partners are committed to respecting boundaries.

Logically, you know that your boyfriend loves you and doesn't want you to feel pressured, but your body and emotions may still be holding onto that moment as evidence that your relationship security is tied to sexual frequency.

It’s common in long-term relationships for partners to experience shifts in sexual frequency, or to find themselves temporarily misaligned in their desires. Your boyfriend was expressing both a need and an anxious thought about your attraction to him. But your feelings were equally valid; you were dealing with physical health challenges that directly impacted your experience of sex and pleasure. When both people’s needs compete in this way, it can create an emotional imprint that doesn’t simply lift because you’ve resolved it with open communication.

Right now, it sounds like your mind is caught in a cycle where sex feels like something you should do to keep the relationship stable. Even though you genuinely want to have sex, the feeling that it’s an unspoken expectation makes it feel less organic and more like a responsibility.

The key to shifting this is reframing what sexual intimacy means in your relationship so it feels like a shared, evolving experience rather than something to maintain.

An important part of reclaiming your agency in sexual experiences is recognizing that desire and appetite for sex can shift depending on a variety of factors, including health and stress. One way you can start shifting this mindset is exploring how you and your partner each understand what “working on your sex life” means. If “working on your sex life” has become synonymous with maintaining a certain frequency, that could be further reinforcing the pressure you feel.

Instead of thinking about whether you’re having “enough” sex, what would happen if you asked yourself what you want from your sexual experiences? Consider:

- What makes you feel excited about sex? Whether by yourself or with your partner?
- When do you feel most connected to your partner?

Since you’ve already opened the conversation with your partner, you’ve made great strides toward making it an ongoing conversation. But sometimes, even with the reassurance that there are no expectations, our past experiences tell us otherwise. Consider addressing this with him in a way that prioritizes your emotional experience and needs.

“I know we’ve talked about working on our sex life, and I appreciate how supportive you’ve been. Logically, I know there’s no quota, but emotionally, I still catch myself feeling pressure. I want to have sex and experience desire without feeling like it’s an obligation. I’d love to explore other ways to connect that help reinforce this.”

This approach centers your feelings rather than making him feel like he’s done something wrong. It also invites him to be a collaborator in evolving your sexual connection, rather than finding fault in his feelings or needs.

Here are some practical ways to shift this pattern:

- Experimenting with different kinds of intimacy without the expectation for intercourse
- Practice letting go of “shoulds.” When you catch yourself thinking “I should initiate soon” or “we should be having sex more,” pause and check-in with yourself
- Focus on organic moments of connection rather than tracking frequency, allowing intimacy to unfold naturally in new and unexpected ways
- Check-in with yourself again: What do you want from these experiences?

Remember these suggestions aren't about creating new pressures or expectations, but finding ways to reconnect with your own desires and needs.

One of the biggest challenges in long-term relationships is accepting that sexual desire and frequency will ebb and flow. Instead of thinking of your sex life as something that needs to maintain a certain level to be “good” or “normal,” try reframing it as something that is constantly evolving.

It’s clear that you and your partner have a strong foundation of trust and communication. You deserve to feel free, excited, genuinely connected in your sex life. And with time, continued reflection, and communication, I believe you’ll arrive at a place that honors your relationship’s presence and your individual needs.