Am I a bad male feminist for doing this?

I can feel that reflecting on this is causing you worry. Questioning ourselves is healthy but it can also be an uncomfortable place as we can find ourselves in confusing spirals. Good on you for staying with it and taking the time.

You importantly named the male gaze early on. As a societal lens, it shapes everything to be understood through a heterosexual male lens especially in media and art. Women are depicted as sexual objects to be consumed, as you’ve named, and that’s why when you mentioned how your “eyes are drawn” to media depictions of women’s bodies I thought “of course they are”. Patriarchy has told you (and all of us!) to look at and consume women and femininity; ever seen ads selling food with a picture of a naked woman? What’s the relevance? There is none. Patriarchy just wants you to look at it so it can make money and it knows we’re socialised to consume the female form.

Similarly, your eyes are drawn to an underwear ad or vulva in a museum – this is a symptom of this socialisation. That doesn’t make you a bad person, it makes you a man in patriarchy. The discomfort you’re feeling in response might be you noticing your brain doing something it’s been socialised into that feels almost involuntary. Remember, a bus advert or art piece are not people that could be harmed by being objectified, but it’s healthy to worry about what this signals about how you perceive women more broadly, and if you’re noticing this being a constant interruption to your day then you’re right to be wary of it. Be compassionate to yourself though in the process.

Let’s discuss the distinction between “looking” and “objectifying”. As a man, knowing and talking about this with your mates is super important.

Objectifying someone with our eyes is when the subject – in this case a woman – ceases to be understood by the viewer as a complex person with feelings and needs but instead becomes an object purely for exercising the viewers desire or impulses in that moment. There is very little connection, consideration or empathy towards them and the dehumanisation means the viewer’s satisfaction becomes more important to them than the subject’s humanity or safety.‍

Now, let's focus on looking at women rather than media designed to make you look: have you ever noticed an absence of consideration, empathy for women in these moments? Is there a compulsion to keep looking, to consume, or do you struggle to look away? Or when you look at a woman, do you see her as a human who is attractive to you, notice yourself looking and enjoying the experience, before becoming aware of how it might make her feel and looking away? Notice how these are different. One is consuming someone with no regard for their humanity and the other is finding looking at someone pleasurable whilst keeping their humanity central.

The guilt and shame you mentioned feeling at receiving visual pleasure is coming from somewhere, and it's important you are able to excavate where: is it because you are objectifying women with your gaze and want it to stop, or because you are defining looking respectfully as “objectifying” simply because you are a man attracted to women? Maybe journaling on this could be good for you.

Reflecting on how often you spend time in spaces dedicated to engaging with women where the male gaze is removed might also be an enlightening experience – head to some great exhibitions, theatre, watch some great feminist movies etc. I’d also recommend the documentary The Feminist on Cellblock Y and bell hooks’ The Will To Change to continue your learning on patriarchy and masculinity.

Finally, you spoke about wanting to be an “enlightened man” and I sense that you might see this as a destination to get to. I want to gently offer a reframe; becoming a compassionate, safe person who embodies the type of society they want to live in is a constant practice. We live in a patriarchal system socialising us into behaviours in new ways all the time, so seeing this as a destination is a little bit like wanting to get to the point of having perfectly clean teeth one day despite always eating. We brush our teeth every day for a reason, right? This type of growth is an every day + forever thing, too.

You will never arrive at being the perfect feminist man, because the perfect feminist man has no room to grow.

Be prepared to do what you’re doing now: sitting in discomfort, asking questions, and bettering yourself for you and your community, all of it imperfectly. And know that you will mess up again and again, but that messing up is a chance to learn how accountability and learning repair deepens your relationships, your respect for yourself and your own humanity over the course of your life.

Commit to the journey, not the destination, and keep asking yourself the hard questions. Good luck!

Written by Gina Martin