Am I meant to like choking?
The other night, my girlfriend asked me to choke her during sex. I wasn’t expecting it and didn’t feel comfortable, but went along gently. She said her ex used to do it and that she really likes it. It seems more common now, but I’m unsure how to express that I’m not okay with it.
Thank you for bringing so much of your authentic self to this question. It’s clear how self-aware you are about both your own comfort levels and the shifting cultural norms around you. You’re processing the messaging you’re receiving from all directions, but you’re also wise to pause, question it, and take stock of your feelings.
What you’re experiencing is a perfect example of how sexual norms have rapidly evolved over the past decade. Practices like sexual strangulation (colloquially known as ‘choking’), have become increasingly mainstream, largely through their prevalence in pornography. As strangulation and similar practices become more normalized, many people find themselves caught off guard, grappling with new pressures and questioning whether they’re “good enough” in bed.
It’s a great sign that you and your partner are already having conversations about exclusivity and commitment. This shows you’ve established a foundation of trust with one another. Her feeling safe enough to share her desires about strangulation with you is a positive sign for your relationship. It’s the same trust that will be crucial for you now as you learn to express your needs and limits.
The sex you see in pornography is not always an accurate depiction of what everyone enjoys. While the growing acceptance of kink can open new pathways for pleasure, it also calls for deeper trust, communication, and mutual understanding around safety and consent. When popular culture began featuring rougher sexual dynamics, they created widespread curiosity without showcasing the extensive communication and safety practices that accompany them. This leaves many people intrigued by activities they’ve seen normalized on screen without the tools and understanding to engage in the critical conversations that experienced practitioners consider non-negotiable.
It might sound counterintuitive, but despite porn’s portrayal of sex as spontaneous, hot, and edgy, good sexual connection often requires more communication, not less. This is true whether you’re in a long-term relationship, a casual hookup, or anything in between. Your hesitation is your mind and body signaling discomfort—and that’s worth listening to.
It’s also important to name the physical realities of strangulation, even when done “lightly.” Restricting blood flow to the brain can cause serious harm, including stroke, unconsciousness, and brain damage. Unlike other forms of play where you might get warning signs from your body, oxygen deprivation can happen quickly without an alarm. It’s not about being prudish, it’s about being mindful of both your partner’s safety and your boundaries.
Similar to “having the talk” about your relationship status, it’s essential to have conversations about what safe sex looks like in your relationship. Not just when it comes to condoms and STIs, but different kinds of sex, too. You’ve clearly put a lot of thought into your question, and it’s obvious you care deeply for your partner. But it’s just as important to prioritize your own comfort and safety.
I’m also struck by the mention of your partner’s ex. Even when past relationships aren’t actively part of the conversation, comparisons can still linger beneath the surface. Gender expectations often place pressure on men to be willing to do anything sexually to prove themselves as adventurous, powerful, or “good in bed.” But declining to engage in a specific act doesn’t make you a bad partner. In fact, the thought and care that you’re placing in your approach shows that you're going above and beyond to please your partner and ensure her safety.
I recognize the fear that setting this type of boundary could be perceived as a turn-off, but if you’ve built the foundation that it sounds like you have, I encourage you to trust that it’s strong enough to survive an honest conversation like this. It might help to bring it up outside of a sexual context. If talking in person feels daunting, a text or voice note can also work and might help ease some of your anxiety.
You might say something like, “I’ve been thinking a lot about the choking thing, and I really appreciate you trusting me with that. I understand it’s becoming more common, but it’s not something I feel comfortable doing. I’d love to explore other ways we could create similar intensity in our sex life if you’re open to that.” This approach affirms her desires without shaming them, names your boundaries, and leaves the door open for other sexual activities you’re both interested in exploring together.
A relationship built on mutual respect has a much stronger foundation than one where either partner feels pressured to override their discomfort. If she truly cares for you (which it sounds like she does), she'll respect your boundaries and work with you to find common ground, and maybe even something new.
Sexual compatibility isn't about performing every act your partner might desire or fantasize about, it's about building a shared space where both partners feel safe, heard, and genuinely connected. The right partner will value your honesty more than your willingness to do something that doesn’t feel right.
