“Patriarchy is bondage for boys, too. It disfigures them. Even if they’re the last to notice. Even if they profit from it.”
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Content warning: this article discusses suicide statistics, and gender-based violence .
“Patriarchy is bondage for boys, too. It disfigures them. Even if they’re the last to notice. Even if they profit from it.”
Tim Winton
How do you teach a 16-year-old boy that the same system that boys and men are profiting from, that gives them power, is also robbing them? How do you engage boys and young men in that conversation?
These are the questions my team and I at Learning Consent have grappled with since 2021, when we began partnering with schools, including boys schools, to embed whole-of-school gender-based violence prevention programs.
In the years since, I have become increasingly aware of, and disturbed by, the critical cultural narrative surrounding masculinity. The headlines tell us that masculinity is simply ‘toxic.’ That it’s limiting at best and violent and destructive at its worst (“Childcare implements ban for male staff”, news.com.au, July 8th). What effect is this messaging having on boys and young men? What are they hearing and believing about such a core aspect of their identity? We need to know how to engage boys and young men in conversations about gender equality, and in work that seeks to prevent gender-based violence, without boys feeling as though the finger is being pointed at them personally. Yes, boys need to be aware that over 95% of perpetrators of violence are men. But they also need to understand that being a man doesn’t intrinsically make them ‘a problem’.
And, that they are a crucial part of the solution.
Recently, following a Learning Consent lesson to a Year 9 group, a student submitted the following question: ‘How can I be proud to be a man in this generation?’ This question was confronting to receive. If my son asked me this, I’d be heartbroken. It speaks to the impact of the strong critical narrative that exists about masculinities, and the accompanying risks for boys and young men’s sense of self, particularly in their formative years. This question emphasized the caution and care we must take in the way we engage boys in violence prevention programs, where there is so much at stake.
There is an emerging body of research that suggests an ideological gap is opening up between young men and women around the world. The headlines have been alarming: “Young men are turning their backs on feminism”, “The ideological gap between younger men and women is becoming a chasm”.
A key danger associated with violence prevention education is the risk of young men perceiving this work as being ‘anti-men’. In response, they may seek to align themselves with an ‘anti-woman’ or anti-feminism position, a place in which some of the most damaging social scripts of ‘how to be a man’ thrive. Men’s lifestyle influencers — or ‘manfluencers’ — are adept at exploiting young men’s vulnerabilities and insecurities. Boys will align themselves with the thinking of these men, often benefiting from a sense of belonging that such a community offers them, whilst also — often unknowingly — marinating in a breeding ground for attitudes that support gender-based violence.
So, how do we sensitively engage boys and young men?
Co-designing prevention program with boys and young men is key. At Learning Consent, we have had the privilege of sitting and listening to boys, to hear from them about what they believe their peers need to learn about when it comes to relationships, gender and sex. In many cases, our experience working with boys and young men in this space is that they are often keen to contribute. They recognise their own knowledge gaps around these topics and are genuinely curious and keen to learn.
This enthusiasm has been observed in the co-design of our university programs too. I’ve watched on as young men have voluntarily facilitated discussion groups with their peers with kindness and dedication to the work, taking great care to engage their peers in meaningful conversations about relationships.
At the same time, we have also noticed an overwhelming self-consciousness amongst some boys and young men. A fear of saying ‘the wrong thing’. A fear of accidently and unintentionally ‘exposing’ themselves as sexist, or even worse, as perpetrators.
In conversation, and in classrooms, we can’t expect boys to always get it right. They are constantly exposed to powerful algorithms seeking to determine their attitudes to gender, sex and relationships. As educators and parents, and as friends and peers, it is so important that we empathise with the potential “troubled knowledge” (Zembylas, 2013) that young people carry. In practice this may require us “to not immediately dismiss attitudes or speech that they recognise as being sexist… but instead to utilise questions to integrate the student’s troubled views into compassionate and socially just perspectives” (Rawlings, 2025). Instead of judging, shaming and further isolating boys, adopting a more compassionate approach, and equipping them with critical thinking skills and a safe space for healthy discussion can lead boys to more informed ways of thinking.
Increasingly, we are seeing men speaking up about the pressures and challenges that accompany hegemonic masculinity. This discourse is welcomed, particularly from men that boys across the world idolise.
Our nation’s suicide statistics validate that it is difficult to be a man. In Australia, on average, six men kill themselves each day. Suicide is the leading cause of death for males aged 15-55. For younger men, suicide accounts for 1 in 3 deaths of men aged 15 to 29. In 2022 there were 2455 men that died by suicide, compared to 794 women.
When I speak publicly about the issue of gender-based violence in Australia, and the associated horrifying statistics (over 100 women were killed by men in 2024), I also refer to the male suicide statistics. Not because I think there is a direct correlation, or that’s it’s a straightforward comparison. But simply to bring to light the fact that all genders are experiencing incredible suffering and violence in Australia and around the world.
In Tim Winton’s words yes, absolutely the patriarchy has profited men, but it has cost men too. It has cost them hugely in terms of the quality of their relationships, and their capacity to connect. A leading cause of male suicide is relationship breakdown and isolation. The more connected men are, the less likely they will be to perpetrate violence against themselves and others. Winton writes, “their disfigurement diminishes the ultimate prospects of all of us, wherever we are on the gender spectrum”.
In our high school programs we offer a nuanced framing of the problem of gender-based violence. We ask students to hold space for two truths; to acknowledge that there are concurrent realties. As Tarang Chalwa articulates ‘two things must be true: One, it is a sad yet indisputable fact that boys and men account for the majority of perpetrators of gendered violence. Two, being a boy and/or a man is difficult’.
We explicitly teach students that men and boys are not the problem, rather it is the social and cultural systems (that broadly privilege boys and men) within which all genders function that enables gender-based violence. By placing a greater focus on the structural and cultural factors contributing to gender-based violence we can then broaden the conversations to be about the ways those systems limit and oppress all genders.
Chanel Contos’ book Consent Laid Bare opens with the Michael Brooks quote ‘Be ruthless with systems and kind with people’.
The singular most problematic system at the root of gender-based violence is patriarchy. Currently though, in many contexts using the word ‘patriarchy’ is met with eyerolls and the label of ‘radical feminist’ or ‘man-hater’. Rarely does the term ‘patriarchy’ engage men and boys in positive and productive conversations though – it disengages them. As a team, we have had to work hard to consider how we have conversations with young people about that very system of power that privileges (and limits) men, without using the term ‘patriarchy.’
We, and the sector at large, still have unanswered questions with regards to how we effectively engage boys and young men in conversations about ending gender-based violence. But to sum up, there are a few things we are certain of. Firstly, to ensure gender-based violence prevention programs are effective and engaging, they must be co-designed with boys and young men.
Secondly, asking students to hold space for two truths ensures boys and young men feel seen in their experiences of gender, without diminishing the gendered nature of the problem. And framing the problem of gender-based violence as being a symptom of patriarchal systems creates space for productive conversations about the ways that all individuals, regardless of gender, are harmed.
Finally, one thing we are certain of is that we can’t be looking to prevent gender-based violence, without investing in men’s mental health, and in their ability to form meaningful connections and thrive in relationships. Gender-based violence prevention programs must be delivered alongside mental health and emotional literacy programs for boys and young men, in order to help them be better for themselves and the people in their lives.
Content warning: this article discusses suicide statistics, and gender-based violence .
“Patriarchy is bondage for boys, too. It disfigures them. Even if they’re the last to notice. Even if they profit from it.”
Tim Winton
How do you teach a 16-year-old boy that the same system that boys and men are profiting from, that gives them power, is also robbing them? How do you engage boys and young men in that conversation?
These are the questions my team and I at Learning Consent have grappled with since 2021, when we began partnering with schools, including boys schools, to embed whole-of-school gender-based violence prevention programs.
In the years since, I have become increasingly aware of, and disturbed by, the critical cultural narrative surrounding masculinity. The headlines tell us that masculinity is simply ‘toxic.’ That it’s limiting at best and violent and destructive at its worst (“Childcare implements ban for male staff”, news.com.au, July 8th). What effect is this messaging having on boys and young men? What are they hearing and believing about such a core aspect of their identity? We need to know how to engage boys and young men in conversations about gender equality, and in work that seeks to prevent gender-based violence, without boys feeling as though the finger is being pointed at them personally. Yes, boys need to be aware that over 95% of perpetrators of violence are men. But they also need to understand that being a man doesn’t intrinsically make them ‘a problem’.
And, that they are a crucial part of the solution.
Recently, following a Learning Consent lesson to a Year 9 group, a student submitted the following question: ‘How can I be proud to be a man in this generation?’ This question was confronting to receive. If my son asked me this, I’d be heartbroken. It speaks to the impact of the strong critical narrative that exists about masculinities, and the accompanying risks for boys and young men’s sense of self, particularly in their formative years. This question emphasized the caution and care we must take in the way we engage boys in violence prevention programs, where there is so much at stake.
There is an emerging body of research that suggests an ideological gap is opening up between young men and women around the world. The headlines have been alarming: “Young men are turning their backs on feminism”, “The ideological gap between younger men and women is becoming a chasm”.
A key danger associated with violence prevention education is the risk of young men perceiving this work as being ‘anti-men’. In response, they may seek to align themselves with an ‘anti-woman’ or anti-feminism position, a place in which some of the most damaging social scripts of ‘how to be a man’ thrive. Men’s lifestyle influencers — or ‘manfluencers’ — are adept at exploiting young men’s vulnerabilities and insecurities. Boys will align themselves with the thinking of these men, often benefiting from a sense of belonging that such a community offers them, whilst also — often unknowingly — marinating in a breeding ground for attitudes that support gender-based violence.
So, how do we sensitively engage boys and young men?
Co-designing prevention program with boys and young men is key. At Learning Consent, we have had the privilege of sitting and listening to boys, to hear from them about what they believe their peers need to learn about when it comes to relationships, gender and sex. In many cases, our experience working with boys and young men in this space is that they are often keen to contribute. They recognise their own knowledge gaps around these topics and are genuinely curious and keen to learn.
This enthusiasm has been observed in the co-design of our university programs too. I’ve watched on as young men have voluntarily facilitated discussion groups with their peers with kindness and dedication to the work, taking great care to engage their peers in meaningful conversations about relationships.
At the same time, we have also noticed an overwhelming self-consciousness amongst some boys and young men. A fear of saying ‘the wrong thing’. A fear of accidently and unintentionally ‘exposing’ themselves as sexist, or even worse, as perpetrators.
In conversation, and in classrooms, we can’t expect boys to always get it right. They are constantly exposed to powerful algorithms seeking to determine their attitudes to gender, sex and relationships. As educators and parents, and as friends and peers, it is so important that we empathise with the potential “troubled knowledge” (Zembylas, 2013) that young people carry. In practice this may require us “to not immediately dismiss attitudes or speech that they recognise as being sexist… but instead to utilise questions to integrate the student’s troubled views into compassionate and socially just perspectives” (Rawlings, 2025). Instead of judging, shaming and further isolating boys, adopting a more compassionate approach, and equipping them with critical thinking skills and a safe space for healthy discussion can lead boys to more informed ways of thinking.
Increasingly, we are seeing men speaking up about the pressures and challenges that accompany hegemonic masculinity. This discourse is welcomed, particularly from men that boys across the world idolise.
Our nation’s suicide statistics validate that it is difficult to be a man. In Australia, on average, six men kill themselves each day. Suicide is the leading cause of death for males aged 15-55. For younger men, suicide accounts for 1 in 3 deaths of men aged 15 to 29. In 2022 there were 2455 men that died by suicide, compared to 794 women.
When I speak publicly about the issue of gender-based violence in Australia, and the associated horrifying statistics (over 100 women were killed by men in 2024), I also refer to the male suicide statistics. Not because I think there is a direct correlation, or that’s it’s a straightforward comparison. But simply to bring to light the fact that all genders are experiencing incredible suffering and violence in Australia and around the world.
In Tim Winton’s words yes, absolutely the patriarchy has profited men, but it has cost men too. It has cost them hugely in terms of the quality of their relationships, and their capacity to connect. A leading cause of male suicide is relationship breakdown and isolation. The more connected men are, the less likely they will be to perpetrate violence against themselves and others. Winton writes, “their disfigurement diminishes the ultimate prospects of all of us, wherever we are on the gender spectrum”.
In our high school programs we offer a nuanced framing of the problem of gender-based violence. We ask students to hold space for two truths; to acknowledge that there are concurrent realties. As Tarang Chalwa articulates ‘two things must be true: One, it is a sad yet indisputable fact that boys and men account for the majority of perpetrators of gendered violence. Two, being a boy and/or a man is difficult’.
We explicitly teach students that men and boys are not the problem, rather it is the social and cultural systems (that broadly privilege boys and men) within which all genders function that enables gender-based violence. By placing a greater focus on the structural and cultural factors contributing to gender-based violence we can then broaden the conversations to be about the ways those systems limit and oppress all genders.
Chanel Contos’ book Consent Laid Bare opens with the Michael Brooks quote ‘Be ruthless with systems and kind with people’.
The singular most problematic system at the root of gender-based violence is patriarchy. Currently though, in many contexts using the word ‘patriarchy’ is met with eyerolls and the label of ‘radical feminist’ or ‘man-hater’. Rarely does the term ‘patriarchy’ engage men and boys in positive and productive conversations though – it disengages them. As a team, we have had to work hard to consider how we have conversations with young people about that very system of power that privileges (and limits) men, without using the term ‘patriarchy.’
We, and the sector at large, still have unanswered questions with regards to how we effectively engage boys and young men in conversations about ending gender-based violence. But to sum up, there are a few things we are certain of. Firstly, to ensure gender-based violence prevention programs are effective and engaging, they must be co-designed with boys and young men.
Secondly, asking students to hold space for two truths ensures boys and young men feel seen in their experiences of gender, without diminishing the gendered nature of the problem. And framing the problem of gender-based violence as being a symptom of patriarchal systems creates space for productive conversations about the ways that all individuals, regardless of gender, are harmed.
Finally, one thing we are certain of is that we can’t be looking to prevent gender-based violence, without investing in men’s mental health, and in their ability to form meaningful connections and thrive in relationships. Gender-based violence prevention programs must be delivered alongside mental health and emotional literacy programs for boys and young men, in order to help them be better for themselves and the people in their lives.
Help us get these evidence-based, youth-led resources into high schools around Australia.
