Am I right to feel betrayed about my boyfriend's porn use?
I recently found out my boyfriend still watches porn, even though I’ve shared that it makes me uncomfortable. I didn’t explicitly ask him to stop, but I hoped he’d understand. I saw a Discord forum where he’s splitting OnlyFans subscriptions with maates, and I feel heartbroken and betrayed. Is it valid to feel upset—and what do I do now?
It sounds like you’re experiencing a lot of complicated emotions right now, and that’s completely okay.
You are allowed to feel upset, conflicted, and unsure about your partner’s porn use—especially given how he’s accessing it. While there’s nothing inherently wrong with watching adult content, everyone has their own boundaries and comfort levels when it comes to porn. That’s why ongoing communication is essential in any relationship. I think it’s amazing that you’ve already put effort into expressing your feelings. I wish he would’ve thought about them more, but porn is a deeply personal topic and navigating it with a partner can be challenging. Ultimately, you have the right to define what feels acceptable in your relationship, and if his porn use continues to make you uncomfortable, it’s absolutely worth addressing.
It sounds like your boyfriend isn’t fully clear on where you stand or what you need from him. That doesn’t mean your feelings don’t matter, it just means that a more direct conversation is necessary so that you can both get on the same page. If you decide to bring this up, you might want to start by clarifying your boundaries. You could say, “I know we’ve talked about this before, but I need to be clear—watching porn makes me uncomfortable, and I’d like to understand where we both stand on this.” Or, “I know watching porn is normal for a lot of people, but it’s not something I feel comfortable with. I don’t want to be controlling, but I do want to share how this makes me feel and get your perspective.”
You can learn about his perspective by asking him questions regarding his views on porn and ethical concerns. You could say, “Would you be open to setting boundaries around porn use together? What would that look like for you?” Or, “How do you view porn in the context of our relationship?” His responses can help you gauge whether your values align and if this is something you want to work through together.
That said, what you discovered about how he’s consuming porn adds another layer to the conversation, but it needs to be had.
I believe there is a way to take responsibility for invading his privacy while still shifting the conversation toward the bigger issue—how his porn consumption is affecting you. You could say something like: “I know it wasn’t cool of me to look at your phone, and I take responsibility for that. At the same time, I can’t ignore what I found and how it makes me feel. Can we talk about it?”
It’s also important to express why the specific way he’s engaging with porn makes you uncomfortable. Personally, I’d be concerned because many of these forums engage in content piracy, which can exploit sex workers who rely on OnlyFans for their income. You might share these concerns or have additional ones, all of which are valid. Having an open and honest conversation can help you understand his perspective while also giving you the space to express your own.
Finally, take the time to reflect on what all of this means for you. Is this something you feel you can work through and rebuild trust around? Are you open to compromise? Or has it shifted how you see your partner and the relationship? Your feelings matter, and you deserve a relationship where your boundaries and concerns are respected.
I’m sending you all the love and support as you navigate this.
