My Christian upbringing has made me terrified to have sex

It’s incredibly brave to name these fears and speak honestly about the tension between your values and your desires. As a 30-year-old who grew up in a Christian household, I’m still unpacking a lot of this too. I still remember sitting on the floor during Sunday School as a shy 11-year-old while the pastor passed around a single, beautiful rose. She told us not to be careful with it. Some kids ripped off petals, others tossed it across the room, a few passed it gently. When the rose returned to her, petal-less and bruised, she held it up and said, “This is what happens when you give yourself away before marriage.”

Whether or not your experience with Christianity looked exactly like that, this story reflects a common message in purity culture: that sex before marriage diminishes your worth. These kinds of metaphors, sometimes taught with good intentions, can leave lasting emotional wounds, and a lot of unanswered questions about sex. The idea that a “piece of your soul” goes with each partner can create deep fear, guilt, and shame, especially when you're starting to make your own choices about sex and relationships.

It’s important to say: these messages are not the entirety of Christianity, and many people of faith find ways to hold onto their spirituality while embracing a more compassionate, empowering view of their sexuality. Still, the legacy of purity culture is real, and it can shape how we see our bodies, our relationships, and even our sense of self. The good news is: unlearning shame is possible and you deserve to have pleasurable sex. 

That said, I understand why you feel scared. It’s common to worry that the experience might be painful physically, emotionally, or spiritually, no matter your faith background. Whatever the reason, fear deserves to be met with compassion, not pressure.

To me, the fear you’re experiencing is an indicator that you’re being thoughtful about your decisions, and that’s a good thing. Paying attention to your body, your boundaries, and your values is one of the most important ways to care for yourself and your sexual health. So rather than pushing those feelings aside, give yourself space to sit with them. Start exploring where they come from, and gently ask yourself what you want sex to look and feel like. You are in control of what you do, when you do it, and who you do it with.

Give yourself permission to take things slowly

If and when you decide you're ready to take that next step, there are ways to make the experience feel safer, emotionally and physically. You don’t have to rush into anything, and you definitely don’t have to follow anyone else’s timeline. Taking it slow isn’t just okay, it’s encouraged! Moving at your own pace builds trust with yourself and helps create a foundation for a more comfortable, connected experience.

Explore your own body first

One of the best ways to feel more grounded and confident is by exploring your own body before sharing it with someone else. Masturbation, despite the stigma many of us were raised with, can be a powerful way to learn what feels good, what feels uncomfortable, and what helps you feel safe and connected during sex.

There’s no one “right” way to do it. If you’re just starting out, create a private, relaxed space and use your hands to touch the parts of your body that feel good. External touch, especially around the vulva and clitoris, can be incredibly pleasurable and informative, it’s how many people with vulvas experience orgasm. You deserve to feel pleasure without shame or fear, and those self-love sessions can play a big role in helping you build confidence and trust in your body.

Communicate with your partner

If and when you're with someone else, communication is everything. Talk openly about your boundaries, your fears, your needs, and safer sex practices. You might say something like:

• “I want to take this really slow.”
• “Can we check in with each other as we go?”
• “I want us to use protection. Are you comfortable with condoms?”

A partner who respects you will care about your comfort, your safety, and your emotional well-being, not just the physical experience. 

Dealing with pain

A lot of people worry that their first time is going to hurt, and while that’s a possibility, it doesn’t have to. Pain is often caused by tension, lack of arousal, not enough lubrication, or moving too quickly. So preparation is key. To help prevent discomfort, focus on:

• Using plenty of lube (water-based or silicone-based if using condoms)
• Spending lots of time on foreplay
• Creating a relaxed environment
• Listening to your body and checking in with your partner

Your body and mind need time to ease into things. Arousal isn’t just physical, it’s mental and emotional too which is why foreplay is so broad. Foreplay can be anything that helps you feel prepared and turned on. That might mean having a slow, intimate date, engaging in playful or deep conversation, taking a warm bath, wearing something that makes you feel sexy, or simply cuddling, kissing, and touching before going further.

Figure out what gets you in the mood and don’t be afraid to ask for what you need. Check in with your partner before, during, and after sex. This helps build trust and ensures you’re not pushing past your limits. If anything starts to feel painful, say something. You’re allowed to pause. You’re allowed to stop. You never owe anyone a full sexual experience that ends with orgasm. 

Aftercare

Just like your body and mind need time to ease into sex, they also need time to ease back out of it. That’s where aftercare comes in. Aftercare is all about caring for yourself and your partner after sex. And it doesn’t have to be complicated. At its core, aftercare is about respect, presence, and checking in with each other. That might look like cuddling, talking about how you’re feeling, journaling, watching a comfort show, taking a warm shower, sharing a snack, going for a walk, or listening to music—whatever helps you feel safe, grounded, and emotionally okay. Aftercare is especially helpful if you’re navigating lingering shame or anxiety. It’s a way to remind yourself: that was fun and I’m okay. 

Whether you wait, explore solo, or decide to have sex with a partner, you are allowed to take your time and choose what feels right for you. And no matter what you choose, your worth is never diminished.

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