How To Talk To Young People About Porn
There’s no doubt that the internet and social media has completely transformed pornography, making it more accessible, ubiquitous and — for some young people — unavoidable.
Long gone are the days of hiding Playboy magazines under the mattress, sneaking into seedy video stores and cinemas for adult films or catching glimpses of late-night soft-core cable porn (okay, full disclosure, these are all quite a bit before my time, but you get the picture).
Young people’s innate curiosity around intimacy is nothing new, nor is the lack of comprehensive sex education to help answer their questions. But the modern additions of unprecedented internet access, and the porn industry’s profit model which hinges on capturing and holding the attention of viewers presents fresh challenges when navigating this landscape with young people.
What do the numbers on pornography consumption tell us?
A lot of the data on porn usage is based on self-reporting, which, let’s be honest, is not always reliable. However, a recent report by Common Sense Media reveals that 73% of the 1,400 teens surveyed in the US reported having watched porn. As a young person, this isn’t overly surprising. What is alarming to me, however, is that the average age of first exposure is just twelve years old, with 15% of teens stating that they first viewed online pornography at age ten or younger.
While learning about intimacy is integral to developing fulfilling relationships, many of the stories told by free, mainstream porn are very different from the respectful, consensual sex they should be seeing modelled.
The Common Sense Media report found that more than half the teens surveyed (who were aged between thirteen and seventeen) said they had come across ‘violent porn’. This includes graphic depictions of rape, strangulation and other forms of abuse where recipients exhibited visible signs of pain. Many teens mentioned the porn they watched often reinforced harmful racial stereotypes, particularly when it came to Black, Latino and Asian people. Certainly, broader research indicates that black women are more likely to be portrayed as victims of violence compared to white women, while black men are more often depicted as aggressors. These patterns aren’t accidental— they reflect deeper, harmful prejudices that shape viewers’ perceptions of sex, relationships, power and race.
Crucially, only one in three teenagers said they’d seen adult content where someone clearly demonstrated consent before engaging in sexual activity. This is especially concerning when we acknowledge that many young people are turning to porn to genuinely learn about sex.
How are kids so young accessing adult content?
The options are almost endless. In the Common Sense Media report, teens described watching porn on their smartphones, school devices and through Instagram, TikTok, Snapchat and Reddit. Often, it’s not even intentional— 63% of teens had seen pornography accidentally at least once in the past seven days. Of course, websites like PornHub and YouPorn are also prime sources among teens who intentionally watch porn.
So, what do we do about it?
Most of us dread the idea of talking with young people about porn, and it can be even more uncomfortable for young people themselves. But avoiding the conversation won’t make it go away. More has to be done to help young people navigate and analyze what they’re seeing and practice respectful, consensual sex in the face of it all.
If you’re ready to begin the conversation, here are some tips:
1) Make it ongoing, not one “big talk”
Rather than trying to cover everything in one “talk,” keep the conversation ongoing and casual. This way, the subject doesn’t feel so overwhelming or awkward for either of you. Try using a film or pop culture medium as a springboard. If you see unrealistic sex displayed on TV or read gendered stereotypes play out in a book, you could use this as an opportunity to discuss where people get these impressions and how porn could be contributing to this.
2) Leave shame out of it
It’s essential not to mix shame with normal and healthy sexual curiosity. If you create a space where they feel shameful or embarrassed about their feelings and behaviours, it will make them less likely to approach you with questions in the future. Be open and non-judgemental.
3) Be proactive
If you can, introduce the topic before it becomes an issue. Talking about pornography proactively and not in reaction to finding a suspicious URL in their browsing history can help them navigate what they might encounter later. This means being open about what pornography is and how it might affect their understanding of sex and relationships.
4) If they’ve already seen it — talk about it
If you find out that your child has encountered porn, don’t freak out. Open up a conversation to understand how they came across it and what they thought about it. Be sure to emphasize that pornography is not always representative of real life sex. Porn performers are just that - performers - and the staged, exaggerated and sometimes paid nature of it can mean actors are not engaging in sex that they would personally prefer.
5) Understand that banning won’t work
Taking a prohibitive approach is not helpful or effective. Teens are savvy and if they want to, they will find ways around restrictions. Instead, focus on building trust, setting boundaries and creating a safe space for ongoing conversations.
6) Accept their level of opennessIf they’re not immediately open to talking about it, that’s okay. The goal is to plant the seed and keep the door open for future conversations. The more casually and openly you address the topic, the more comfortable they should become talking to you about it when they’re ready.
Talking to young people about porn is not about policing or shaming them. It’s about helping them navigate the confusing and harmful messages they may encounter and encouraging critical thinking about consent, power and relationships. Ultimately, we all want young people to build healthy and respectful relationships with themselves and the people around them.
