Why A Specific Type Of Sexism Attracts Women

Ben thinks women are wonderful. He thinks they are, on average, more cultured and ethical than their male counterparts. And he believes the best thing a man can do for himself is find a woman to love and treat her right. Ben never lets his girlfriend touch a door handle, and at the end of dates he almost always pays the bill. Whenever the couple faces a hassle—navigating the airport, sorting out taxes—Ben takes the lead. He adores her, and in a crisis, he’d lay his life on the line to protect her. Some psychologists would label Ben as sexist. Not in a chastizing, let’s-problematize-everything sort of way, but in a technical sense: Ben is a benevolent sexist, a man who idealizes women, but in a way that positions them as dependent on men. This is the unstated subtext of many chivalrous attitudes. “Women shouldn’t have to pay the bill (because men are better at that sort of thing).” Benevolent sexists like women the way most people like puppies and toddlers—adorable, fragile, not equal.Sexist or not, research indicates women — on average — find men like Ben quite sexy. For instance, a study of 156 young women had them rate the attractiveness of a hypothetical benevolent sexist profile against a non-sexist profile; the benevolent sexist profile was scored 3.9 out of 5, and the non-sexist profile got 2.4 out of 5. Two similar studies of students found the same pattern: women rated benevolent sexist men as more likeable and more sexually attractive than non-sexist men. Sure, his schtick is a bit patronizing, but who doesn’t like free dinner?Carrot, meet stick: in the real world, benevolent sexists are usually also, often quietly, hostile sexists. Hostile sexism is the blatant variety we’d all recognize—these are the guys who think women are uniquely manipulative, or likely to lead men on for amusement. While associating such beliefs with guys like Ben may seem paradoxical at first—how could loving and hating women come in one package?—research indicates that, for instance, men who believe women should be provided for are also likely to believe that women are too easily offended (see the table below). And perhaps the association between hostile and benevolent sexist beliefs isn't surprising, as it has a shared foundation: that women are lesser than men. And so, when dating as a woman, the man who wants to pay the bill and hold the door is often also the man who will control you.​Many scholars believe that the correlation between BS and HS is part of how misogyny keeps itself upright, and some argue BS may, in fact, be more hazardous. It is benevolent sexism, not hostile sexism, that coaxes a woman into being an accomplice to a man’s control of her life. She lets him pay for most things, sort out the taxes, the bills, and the budgeting, and, now, he’s in charge of their finances. She lets him navigate all the tricky situations they face together until she’s entirely reliant on him for anything challenging. While it’s easy to think of hostile sexism as the “bad sexism” and benevolent sexism as the “good sexism,” benevolent sexism may pose the greater threat to women’s social mobility, as while the former is recognized and rejected, the latter is, typically, attractive and unnoticed. The treat in the mousetrap is what makes it dangerous to mice.​

Further, while hostile sexism is fueled by a minority of men and met by the resistance of most women, benevolent sexism is often encouraged by women and resisted by men.

When I posted a video earlier this year describing benevolent sexism, many men critiqued the beliefs (one called the BS beliefs “simping”) whereas many women defended them. One woman commented, “That’s not benevolent sexism, that’s called being a real man.”

A small, common, real-world example of women endorsing benevolent sexism would be believing men should pay for dates. While we shouldn’t make mountains out of molehills—really, I don’t think this is such a big deal—expecting someone else to pay your way is a small endorsement of one’s own inferiority. An extreme example of this can be seen in viral videos offering tutorials on how to get men to pay for more things, i.e., how to get the “princess treatment.” The irony is that while these women attempt to take advantage of men, they unwittingly support a dynamic that renders themselves liable to be taken advantage of. Many seek the princess treatment, and find themselves Rapunzel.This isn’t an advice column. Really, I wouldn’t consider writing it as one. How does one ask men not to pay the tab, when trying to go Dutch often means getting passed over? Or tell women to say no to chivalry, even if that’s what they find romantic?

At Teach Us Consent, our goal is to arm individuals with information that enhances their agency. In this case, that means helping men be aware of the undermining effects “gentlemanly” behavior could have on women in their lives, and helping women make fully-informed decisions about who they partner up with. Indeed, many women are already aware that benevolent sexism and hostile sexism go together; it’s just that some think the carrot is worth the stick.