Item 4: Waneh Coercive Control (bluffeh you-eneh-useh-you por controlleh you)?

By Ashton Bush – Young Peepol Gibbeh Advice Group Member

You might be lissen bepore, wiskine sumone be spik wiskine ex bor em be mutha showeh obamark love por em, apta dem two be pight, or spik por friend em e ‘gaslighter’, kasa por peget plans. Dem words e pass lor yumpla mouth when yumpla yarn bout relationships, eneh more lor social media. But while we carry-yarn freely, both dem words e serious ginarr bor coercive control/em control you, eneh yumpla gad right por sabeh dat meaning bor dem words e demkine.

Coercive control e ginarr por useh you por make sumting, eneh usem por come boss bor nutha person/marn. Instead of mutha useh physical force only lor you or sexual violence, e showeh wiskine em e control emotions bor you, stapeh you from gor out, boss oba money bor you, eneh wasseh you ebry move lor tracking device.

Here, yumpla gor look more closetoon por coercive control, how por mekrout signs bor em, eneh how por act when you tinkbout e happen lor life bor you.

Waneh Coercive Control?

Cooercive control can start mina slow-one, eneh show lor dipprent way, demkine way can makem hard for sabeh where dah line be cross, from cute to bss-ober.

Passin message wasseh ‘zellussy means dempla care por you or wandeh look-out you’ eneh ‘wandeh know where you all dah time, e romantic eneh em show you em tingbout you’. Can mean e sign bor start por controlleh you. Eben coercive controllers might nor sabeh dempla ginarr e abusive, prom lubly passin, eneh most peepol sabeh e good passin, but makem look wasseh e romantic. Ip e keep gor, e can come more big inside relationship, where sumone gor peel trapped, nor gad power, eneh nor gad trust por make up own mind por makeh sumting. E can be when em makem more por leggo harn, eneh sexual violence.

E gad eight warning signs, waneh most peepol sabeh, por tinkbout. Dem-ting might nor gor come-out only one-time, eneh only one-time, e nor ebrytime come-out por look coercive control e happening.

Dem 8 Sign bor Coercive Control

1. Love Bombing

Meaning bor love bombing e when sumone showeh oba-mark peeling eneh or love por em partner, demkine ting e can happen early-part, when dem two pass start por like. Goal yah e por makeh dah person commit por dah nutha person prapa quick, bepore dem two prapa sabeh one-nutha.

E sound wasseh:

• “I nor be feel demkine was bout anyone bepore” when you two be not-long meet.
• When em spik por you, you em ‘soulmate’, prom mina early part lor like bor you two.
• Hurry up one plan relationship goals, wasseh move in together or engagement.

Love bombing e also makeh ‘high ginar mark’ por how dah relationship gor be por dah partner whoddah geddeh obamark love, which dah nuddah partner makem, por control em, eneh makeh em peel wasseh em nor gad power bumbai. E gib em lie peeling por waneh dah relationship gor look like, bepore dem nutha controlling or abusive ginar come more out/clear.

Waneh nor love bombing:

E nor ebryone whodah showeh obamark peeling early part lor relationships e love bombing. Some peephole, from heart, gad mina strong peeling from start prom pass like, eneh nor wandeh control partner bor em. Tha main dipprence e how dempla act por you boundaries. Dem respectful partner gor showeh respect por timing bor you, a love bomber gor makeh you peel guilty, humbug you or takeh sulk ip you try por setteh boundaries.

1. You spik you victim

When sumone whoddah be suffer prom demkine ways, eneh spik por you story bor em, em e takemout guard bor emp or you — demkine way e makeh relationships come more closetoon eneh deeper. But, dah someone muss open up eneh spik wiskine dempla be suffer in dempla life, eneh e putteh pressure eneh spik wane hem wandem lor partner bor em, por lookround support from em. Wasseh, e one partner spim por em partner yarn por em partner bout how muss pain em be suffer bapore — but nor nor spik dat m wandeh the nutha person por loogout em, heal em, or nor harm em.

This ginar e showeh dah high level bor you emotion ip you relationship pinis, makeh the partner peel responsible por dah nutha partners’ wellbeing. Dem sign bor someone whoddah make-out emselp e, might be too when dempla nor prapa look por helpeh dempla own selp, or lookround nutha supports, including friends, parmleh, mental health support services. Only, mutha lookround partner por help.

E can sound wasseh:

• “I nor be trust nobody bepore I be meeteh you.”
• “Ip you libbeh me, I nor gor trust no-one gen.”
• “E nice you gad too muss peepol whoddah care por you…. I only gad you so ip you libbeh me I gor be a disaster.”

1. Gaslighting

Gaslighting e when sumone mean por nor believe you, or play lor feelings bor you or shfteh blame por you, por makeh you look wasseh you in dah wrong. When em mean por makeh em, e mean por controlleh you mentally eneh emotionally, por makeh you sense-off, eneh makeh you feel you lor fault. Dah goal bor dempla e por makeh you doubt youselp eneh comeout strong bor you, eneh rights bor you, makeh you rely on dempla more.

Oba time, gaslighting can makeh you gad two-minds ebrytime, peel sense-loose por waneh true, eneh lose trust lor my own good-senses.

E sound wasseh:

• “You remember wrong way.”
• “You makem more! E nor be demkine bard.”
• E nor be happen. You make em more”.
• “I be pinis spik demkine, babe. Weeks ago. You muss nor be lissen.”

Waneh e nor gaslighting:

Gaslighting e nor bout when you nor gree lor sumone or gad nada way por look. Peepol might sumtime peget sumting or look sumting dipperent way, eneh nor look abusive. Gaslighting mean e ongoing eneh mean or makem cunning way where goal bor me e por makeh you sense-loose, eneh nor only por win argument or stan-up eneh makeh point.

1. All time wassem/nor gad preedom

All-time check up lor you happens when partner bor you trackeh you ebry movement, eneh actions, sumtime dah ginar e lie-one look wasseh em care or worry por em. E can come more oba-mark, eneh e gor be harder por prove em track em, coz dah ginarr now, ebrybody make-em (eneh nor gad problem) useh location sharing lor all nutha friends eneh parmleh members ebryday.

All-time monitoring e nor when sumone askeh you por add em lor Snap Maps of Find My Friends. But e can start prom deh, eneh rise up por more bard sumting, eneh nor gad privacy, eneh controlling ginars, wasseh takeh phone bor you, look go through you messages, eneh leggo gor into you social media accounts. Demkine way can leadup gor por control waneh you wear, whoddah you look or you buckerr/money.

Too-muss-time demkine way e makem look right, eneh lor diskine talk:

• “I kasa wandeh know ip you safe when you leggo gor out.”
• “I kasa wandeh make sure you nor talk por anyone whoddah you nor should be talk por.”
• “You gor can’t wear that. You gor geddeh nudakine looks.”

But e can look wasseh ‘joke or ‘guilt tripping’:

• “Heh-heyah, I kasa gor look through you snaps, you sabeh I muss check-up lor you.”
• "Have fun with your ‘real’ friends then, since I’m obviously not enough."

1. Stup prom talk, eneh mix lor others

When you lock-up a partner from em friends, parmleh, eneh support networks e rising sign, eneh dah partner can hideh controlling ways bor em, but lie-one act eneh make-out e por ‘protection’ eneh ‘best interests’ bor partner whoddah surbibe from demkine bard-passin before. E can start prom small sumting, wasseh askeh partner por stap house more, or makeh small comments por makeh the victim-surbiber loseh trust lor friends eneh parmleh bor em.

E nor por planneh romantic private dates between dem two partner or askeh prapa private sumting only you two sabeh. E bout control.

E can sound wasseh:

• “You need por keepeh you-me relationship problems private”
• “Wah ok, stap lor peepol whoddah nor wandeh you por happy.”

Nutha way, e prom makeh lie story. Where dempla makeh lie story or starteh pight, juss bapore dah partner ready gor por look parmleh or friends bor em. Demkine way makeh dah nutha partner peel guilty/bard por gor, or stap prom gor.

1. Degradation/shaming

Degradation/shaming e when sumone downeh you. Too muss time dah abuser talk nudda-kine nor-good way por mix up head bor em partner lor relationship, by keepeh pride eneh strong-peeling bor tha victim-surbiber low, makem em tingbout em nor gad right por nuting, eneh em deserve demkine bad treatment, waneh em geddem.

E normal lor relationships por spik personal and very personal sumtings bout you por partner bor you. But, lor controlling eneh stresspul relationships, too-muss-time demkine inpormation e use-em por downeh partner, too-muss-time em mak-em sem, em makem demkine por partner por control em, eneh bully partner por makeh sumting, wasseh, sainzek closs bor em, or stap em prom gor por look friend bor em, or por makeh sex sumting lor em.

When you makeh mockeh sumone por sumting, e nor good sumting, muckround tease or spik nuddah marn private sumting but you nor be mean por hurteh sumone, wasseh you spik “I peel hurt when you be makem demkine.”

E sound wasseh:

• “You mina soft. Nor wanda ebryone e tyat prom you.”
• “Nuddah marn/orman nor gor wandeh you.”

Or, too-muss-time, demkine bard comment e hideh jokes, por makeh dah controlling partner hideh dah mean-por-mock words:

• “By-zee, you juss-now makeh sumting right por once!”
• “I kasa tease, why you nor like por takeh joke?”

1. Spik you mean por makeh sumting, makeh fear, eneh harm

This one e prapa clear sign bor coercive control, makem por makeh sumone pright, trapped eneh makem more easy por harndle em lor me-two relationship.

E can look wasseh wile eneh violent ways, stunup ober partner eneh hullah loud one, suckeh sumtings gor closetoon por partner, rough-way threaten por damage em, friends bor em, parmlen bor em, pets bor em, damage all sumting bor em, force em por have sex and or makem do sexual sumtings eneh pighteh dah walls.

Dis one e also gad threatening eneh bullying talk, wasseh:

• “I gor hurt myselp, en e fault bor you”
• “You lucky I stappeh myselp yah now”
• “Nor makeh me makeh sumting I go peel sorry por”

Or, threaten por spik ebryone you stap lor gay relationship.

Too-muss-time, when e pass come-out, em makem por makeh you pright, eneh makem por control you lor relationship, den spik sorry den shifteh blame:

“I sorry por makeh you pright, I mina lub you, but, you be makeh me makem demkine”

This one e sign bor bully control where dah victim-surbiber muss hurry-up-one tinkbout por geddeh help.

1. Alwayz-sainzeh conditions, gad rewards eneh punishments

Bullying eneh controlling partners e too-muss-time sainzeh rules por waneh all wandem, e makeh em partner sense-loose, eneh nor sabeh waneh em partner wandem. Demkine way can be wasseh, certain way por makeh work lor house, waneh time por come haus, or waneh closs por wearem. E can sound wasseh:

• “Ip you prapa care por me, u be sabeh waneh I wandem, I nor need por spik por you.”
• “I nor should be have to spik por you wiskine por cleanup prapa. Makem prapa or you single. Choice bor you.”

Sumtimes dah way em spik demkine rule can makem more controlling eneh hard por look, example yah:

• “I only wile coz I mina lub you. If I nor care, I nor be bother.”

When rule e broke, eben if e accident, dah controlling partner might gor punish em eneh gib em silent treatment, no showeh lub por em, or take-off for longtime eneh nor spik or makeh trouble.

But, when tha victim-surbiber pollow dah rules or demands ‘prapa’, dempla geddeh obamark lub, kindness eneh partner gor blow-por-em, wasseh love bombing. Dah blow nor prapa blow. E wasseh gift por obey em bullying partner. E can sound wasseh:

• “You mina lubly when you lissen por me. Demkine now e why I mina lub you.”
• “You bin mina good lately. I mina lucky por gad sumone whoddah sabeh wiskine port treateh me prapa.”
• “Demkine way bor u makeh me lub you.”

Keep-gor, demkine pushem-pullem blow eneh punishment makeh dah victim-surbiber come more slaik, eneh rely on em partner por geddeh more blow, eneh controlling-passin approval from em partner, trapeh em more lor dah relationship.

Waneh you should look, por notice signs bor coercive control?

Por friends:

Ip you look signs bor coercive control lor friend or parmleh relationship, e natural por wandeh step-in, eneh e important you makem, but think-pass. Hanzup can be hard, eneh the nutha person whodah suffer coercive control might nor ready por lissen por you or might takeh part bor em partner.

Bepore you gor por dah sumone you care bout, dah pass step e por contact confidential support services, wasseh 1800RESPECT. Dempla can spik you waneh por spik eneh makem for demkine business.

Ip you makeh choice bor you por helpeh you friend or parmleh member, apta you be talk por dah support service, e good idea por spik por em you wandeh catch-up by emselp, nor gad em partner, or me-two friends or parmleh members. Make sure dah place where you two gor meet e safe place por yarn too, place where nobody gor sabeh me two be plan por meet deh, wasseh supermarket, shopping centre, or waiting room lor clinic.

When you talk por dempla, dah prapa way por makem e por talk soft, caring, but nor lie talk. Mutha talk bout waneh you be look, nor waneh you think be happen.

You might talk demkine, wasseh:

• “I look you wasseh quiet yah lately—ebrything right lor you two ah?”
• “I kasa check-up lor you. You right, you gad support lor relationship bor you two?”

Even ip dempla nor ready por talk, when you letteh dempla sabeh you nor gor judgeh dempla, e makeh dempla look por you, makeh dempla gad good peeling.

Ip you lor new like:

Ip you pass start por like eneh notice early sign come out, wasseh love bombing, wasseh you ebrywhere you gor or downeh you, e important por markeh dah line early part eneh spik por em, demkine way nor right lor you. Stap em pass so e nor gor gad sance por dah coercive controlling ginar por stap grow lor relationship bor you two.

You can spik wasseh:

“Yah, e nor right por you por spik I off lor head when I soweh you wanneh I peel.”

“I sabeh you worry por me, but e nor right lor me por share my private messages.”

Ip em testeh you boundaries or ignore em, think pass ip demkine person e dah one you wandeh stap inside relationship lor, eneh look to por geddeh advice prom.

If you sabeh you coercively controlled:

Too-muss-time, cooercive control happen bepore or same-kine time when all nuddah abuse e happen inside lor relationships.

Ip you sabeh you coercively controlled, eneh e be happen bepore, e good you look, eneh geddeh prapa/professional support. Ip you nor right por talk por friends or parmleh members, e gad helplines eneh support services por lissen por you, eneh spik por you waneh good steps por makem por makeh you safe.

Ip you think you gad coercively controlling behaviours:

Ip you look ways bor you e samekine ways bor controlling ginar lor relationships, e nor too late por sainz. When you sabeh you gad dah problem e mine big pass step. Look por support prom wasseh counsellor, sainzek behaviour program or nutha specialist e dah mina good thing por makem por buildeh more healthy eneh more respectful relationships por you future.