Cute or controlling? Caring or coercive? Let's talk coercive control

You’ve probably heard it before — someone mentioning how an ex used to ‘love bomb’ them after a fight, or calling a friend a ‘gaslighter’ for simply forgetting plans. These terms have become deeply woven into how we talk about relationships, especially on social media. But while they’re often thrown around casually, both are actually serious methods of coercive control, and deserve to be understood in that context.

Coercive control is a pattern of manipulative behaviours used to dominate another person. Instead of exclusively involving physical or sexual violence, it shows up as emotional manipulation, social isolation, financial control and digital surveillance. 

Here, we’ll take a closer look at coercive control, how to spot the signs, and how to respond if you think it’s happening in your life.

What is Coercive Control?

Coercive control can start subtly and show up in different ways, which can make it hard to pinpoint what crosses the line from cute to controlling. 

Cultural messages like ‘jealousy means they’re caring and protective’ and ‘wanting to know where you are at all times is romantic and thoughtful’ can make early warning signs easy to miss. Even coercive controllers may not realise their behaviour is abusive, because of how widely romanticised these acts are. Left unchecked, it can escalate into a relationship where someone feels trapped, powerless, and unable to trust their own instincts. It can also include or escalate into physical and sexual violence. 

There are eight widely recognised warning signs of coercive control to be aware of.

They might not all show up at once, and in isolation, they’re not always 100% indicative that coercive control is happening. 

1. Love Bombing

Love bombing involves overwhelming someone with excessive attention, admiration, and affection, usually very early on in the relationship. The goal is to encourage a person to quickly commit to the new relationship, before they've properly gotten to know the other person. 

It can sound like:

• “I’ve never felt this way about anyone before” when you’ve only just met. 
• Being told you’re someone’s ‘soulmate’ very early on. 
• Quickly planning relationship milestones like moving in together or getting engaged.

Love bombing also sets up an 'idealised standard' of the relationship for the person being love bombed, which is used to control and manipulate them further down the track, by alternating between affectionate and controlling behaviours. It encourages a false hope of what the relationship can return to, before the other controlling or abusive behaviours become more obvious. 

What love bombing isn’t:

Not everyone who’s enthusiastic early in a relationship is love bombing. Some people genuinely develop strong feelings quickly, without any intent to manipulate. The key difference is how they respond to your boundaries. While a respectful partner will respect your pace, a love bomber will guilt you, pressure you, or sulk if you try to set limits.

2. Self-proclaimed victimhood

Self-proclaimed victimhood isn’t when someone is sharing a personal story with you as a way of opening up and being vulnerable — that can make relationships deeper and more intimate. However, it does involve someone opening up about how they have been victimised in their life, and places pressure and expectations on their partner to support them. Basically, it’s someone telling their partner how much they’ve been hurt in the past — but with the unsaid feeling that the other person now has to take care of them, fix them, or never hurt them.

This tactic also communicates the raised emotional stakes if the relationship ends, making the partner feel responsible for the other person’s wellbeing. Signs of someone who is experiencing self-proclaimed victimhood can also be when they are not actively working on, seeking help or drawing on other supports, including friends, family, mental health support services. Instead, they are solely looking to their partner for help. 

It can sound like:

• “I never trusted anyone before I met you.” 
• “If you ever leave me, I will never trust anyone again.”
• "Must be nice that you have so many people that care about you… I only have you so if you ever left me I would be a disaster."

3. Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a deliberate form of emotional manipulation where someone tries to make you doubt your memory, perception, or sanity. They might deny things you know happened, twist the truth, or blame you for things that aren't your fault. The goal is to make you question your judgement and chip away at your confidence and autonomy, making you more reliant on them. 

Over time, gaslighting can lead you to second-guess yourself constantly, feel confused about what’s real, and lose trust in your own instincts. 

It can sound like:

• “You’re remembering it wrong.”
• “You're being dramatic! It wasn't that bad.”
• “That never happened. You’re making it all up.”
• “I already said that, babe. Weeks ago. You obviously weren’t listening.” 

What gaslighting isn’t:

Gaslighting isn’t just disagreeing with someone or having a different perspective. People can forget details or see events differently without it being abusive. Gaslighting involves a pattern of intentional manipulation, where the goal is to destabilize your sense of reality, not just win an argument or defend a point.

4. Constant monitoring/lack of autonomy

Constant monitoring happens when someone starts tracking their partner’s movements or actions, often disguised as care or concern for them. This can become increasingly more common, and harder to label as controlling since we happily (and non-problematically) use location sharing with many of our friends and family members daily. 

Constant monitoring isn’t someone requesting to be added to your Snap Maps or Find My Friends. But it can start that way and escalate to more invasive and controlling behaviours — like stealing your phone, looking through your messages and accessing your social media accounts. This can lead to controlling what you wear, who you see, or your finances.

Often this behaviour is justified with phrases like:

• “I just want to know you’re safe when you go out.”
• "I just needed to make sure you weren’t talking to anyone you shouldn’t be."
• "You can’t wear that. You’ll get the wrong kind of attention."

But they also can be framed as a ‘joke’ or guilt tripping: 

• "Haha, just going through your snaps, you know I gotta keep you in check!"
• "Have fun with your ‘real’ friends then, since I’m obviously not enough."

5. Isolation

Isolating a partner from their friends, family, and support networks is usually a gradual process, and can be masked by the controlling partner as being for the ‘protection’ or ‘best interests’ of the victim-survivor. It can start with small requests, like asking their partner to stay home more, or making subtle remarks that cause the victim-survivor to mistrust their friends and family.

It’s not planning romantic one-on-one dates or asking that genuinely private information remains between the two of you. It’s about control.

It can sound like:

• “You should keep our relationship issues private” 
• "Sure, spend time with people who clearly don't want you to be happy."

Another common tactic is through manufactured crises. That is creating fake emergencies or picking a fight, right before their partner is about to see loved ones. This forces them to feel guilty for going, or to cancel their plans.

6. Degradation

Degradation is when someone humiliates, belittles or puts down another person. Abusers often use degrading language as a way to create an unhealthy power dynamic in the relationship, by keeping the self-esteem & confidence of the victim-survivor low, making them think they are not worthy of anything else, and deserve the treatment they are receiving.

It’s normal in relationships to share personal and intimate details about yourself to your partner. However, in coercive controlling relationships, that information is often used to criticise, belittle or humiliate their partner, often as a way to coerce or pressure them into doing something — from changing their clothes, to not seeing their friends, or even to perform sexual acts. 

Degradation isn’t constructive criticism, playful teasing or sharing difficult truths without the intention of hurting someone, like saying “I felt hurt when you did that”. 

It can sound like:

• "You're too sensitive. No wonder everyone gets sick of you."
• "No one else would ever want you."

Or, more often, these criticisms are disguised as ‘jokes’, so the controlling partner can downplay the harmful impact of the words:

• "Wow, you actually managed to do something right for once!"
• "I’m only teasing, why can't you take a joke?"‍

7. Threats, intimidation and violence

This is one of the most clear-cut signs of coercive control, used to make someone scared, trapped and easier to control within the relationship. 

It can look like angry and violent gestures, standing over a partner and screaming, throwing objects close to a partner, making threats of violence or harm to friends, family members or pets, destroying possessions, forcing someone to have sex/do sexual things and punching walls.

This also includes verbally threatening language and intimidation, like:

• “I’ll hurt myself, and its your fault”
• “You’re lucky i’m holding myself back right now”
• “Don’t make me do something I might regret”

Or even, threatening to publicly “out” a partner if they are in a LGBTQIA+ relationship.

Often these first appear as a scare tactic against the partner to further cement control over them within the relationship, and usually followed with apologies, and deflection of blame: 

“I’m so sorry for scaring you, I love you so much, but you made me do this”

This is a sign of coercive control which the victim-survivor should consider immediately seeking help for.

8. Ever-changing conditions with rewards and punishments

Coercive controlling partners often create a constantly shifting set of rules and expectations that their partner can never fully understand or meet. These demands can be anything from particular ways chores need to be done, what time they should come home, or what clothes they should wear. It can also sound something like:

• "If you really cared about me, you’d know exactly what I want without me having to spell it out." 
• "I shouldn’t have to tell you how to clean properly. Figure it out or be single. Your choice.”

Sometimes these ‘rules’ can also be said in ways that are more manipulative and difficult to spot, for example:

• "I only get upset because I love you so much. If I didn’t care, I wouldn’t bother."‍

When a ‘rule’ is broken, even accidentally, the controlling partner may punish their partner with the silent treatment, by withholding affection, or by suddenly disappearing for hours with no explanation or through violence. 

However, when the victim-survivor follows the rules or demands ‘correctly’, they’re rewarded with excessive affection, attention or praise - just like love bombing. The praise isn’t ever genuine encouragement. It is approval based on being obedient to the controlling partner. This may sound like:

• “You’re amazing when you listen to me. This is exactly why I love you so much."
• “You’ve been so good lately. I’m so lucky to have someone who knows how to treat me right."
• "This is the version of you I fell in love with.”

Ultimately, the push-pull of praise and punishment creates a dynamic where the victim-survivor becomes more dependent on the praise and approval of their controlling partner, trapping them further in the relationship. 

What should you do if you’re seeing signs of coercive control?

For friends: 

If you notice signs of coercive control in a friend or loved one's relationship, it's natural to want to step in, and it’s important that you do — but with consideration. Raising your concerns can be difficult, and the person experiencing coercive control might not be ready to hear it or may even defend their partner.

Before you approach the person you’re concerned about, the first step is to get in contact with a confidential support service like 1800RESPECT. They can give you clear advice on what to say and do for your specific situation. 

If you choose to reach out to your friend or loved one after talking to the support service, it's a good idea to suggest catching up with them in person by themselves; without their partner, or any mutual friends or family members. Make sure that you’re meeting up in a safe space to chat, as well — somewhere which can be easily explained if they’re being monitored — like a supermarket, shopping centre, or in the waiting room of a medical appointment.

When you’re talking to them, the best approach is to keep your language soft, compassionate, but based in facts. Focus on what you’ve noticed, not what you think is happening. 

You could say something like:

• "I've noticed you seem a bit more withdrawn lately—is everything okay between you two?"
• "I just want to check in. Do you feel comfortable and supported in your relationship?"

Even if they aren't ready to talk, letting them know you’re a safe, non-judgemental person they can turn to makes all the difference.

If you’re newly in a relationship:

If you’re in a fresh relationship and start to notice early signs pop up, like love bombing, monitoring or put-downs, it’s important to set boundaries early and let them know their behaviour is not okay. This can also help prevent inadvertent or unaware coercive controlling behaviours from becoming the ‘norm.’

You can say something like:‍

• "Hey, it’s not okay for you to call me crazy when I share how I’m feeling,"
• "I know you’re worried, but I’m not comfortable sharing my private messages."

 If those boundaries are challenged or ignored, you may need to consider whether this is the kind of person you want to be in a relationship with, and speak to someone for advice. 

If you are being actively coercively controlled:

Coercive control often happens before, or at the same time, as other forms of abuse within relationships.

 If you are recognising that you’re currently being, or have been, coercively controlled, it's best you reach out for formal support. If you don’t feel comfortable confiding in friends or family, there are helplines and support services where you can discuss the next steps best for your safety.

If you think you are acting out coercively controlling behaviours:

If you’re reflecting on your own behaviour and recognise that you might be using controlling tactics in your relationship, it’s not too late to change. Acknowledging the problem is a powerful first step. Seeking support whether through a counsellor, a behaviour change program, or another professional is the best thing you can do to build healthier, more respectful relationships moving forward.