Navigating sexual violence: What to do if you’ve experienced it and how to support survivors

If you’ve experienced sexual violence, there is a lot to think about and navigate.

It can leave you facing intense emotions and difficult decisions.

We want you to know that while you go through this, you will never be alone. There is a whole community of survivors who care about you and are here for you. It’s very important that you have access to all the information you need to be able to make decisions that suit you. That’s where accessing support services comes in.  

To provide informed advice to victim-survivors, Teach Us Consent partnered with The Survivor Hub.

The Survivor Hub is a charity that supports survivors of sexual violence by providing peer support groups called ‘MeetUps’, a Facebook group where you can talk to other survivors,; and an Instagram account where you can find information about being a survivor and related topics. Survivor Hub runs MeetUps across Australia, both in person and online. Their MeetUps are open to all survivors who are 16 years and above.  

Disclosing 

One of the first things you might be thinking of after you experience sexual violence is whether you want to tell someone you trust like a friend, counsellor or GP. Telling people can be a positive action because it can direct you to the support you need. The level of support you get might depend on who you talk to. 

Disclosing (telling someone) can feel like a big deal. You can choose what you share, who you share with, and when or how you share it (if at all). Some people never disclose, and that is okay. Some people are very open and tell many people about their experiences — that is also okay. Whatever feels right for you is best. It's important to create a safe space for yourself and for whoever you are disclosing to. There are some things you can do to create safety around your disclosure. 

Why tell anyone? 

When we name our experience for what it was, we shift the responsibility onto whom it belongs - the person who chose to use violence against us. Not us. It can be a profoundly emotional experience to disclose to other people. It can be emotionally complicated, good, bad, neither or both.  

"When the truth is finally recognised, survivors can begin their recovery." - Judith Herman.  

"Evil thrives in silence. Behaviour unspoken, behaviour ignored, is behaviour endorsed." - Grace Tame 

Who could I tell? 

Firstly, remember no one is entitled to know your story. Choose people who you feel supported by and trust wholeheartedly. This could be family, friends, GP or a counsellor.  

It could also be other survivors in our Survivor Hub Facebook community or in our MeetUps (within group rules). Keep in mind you may be disclosing to a fellow survivor, so you could consider warning them before sharing any potentially triggering details.  

Remember that if you are under 16, many of the people you may choose to tell will have mandatory reporting responsibilities (for example, teachers), meaning they will need to act on what you have told them. This varies between jurisdiction, and you can find more about that here based on where you live.  

We understand the idea of mandatory reporting may be scary, confronting, or even intimidating. Remember, mandatory reporting is there to help ensure your safety. Don’t let it stop you from speaking up and seeking help. If you have concerns for your safety or how people might react, make sure to reach out to services that can support you.  

When and where? 

Decide on a location you feel safe in. This might be your home, your counsellor’s office or outside. Try not to disclose to people when you don't have their full attention, including when they are falling asleep, drinking alcohol or otherwise distracted. Allow them some time to process what you've shared. You deserve them at their best so that they can give you their best response. Disclosing is a process. It might not happen in one go; it might take a while. Be compassionate and kind towards yourself and those who care about you. 

What do I say? 

What you share and how much you share is entirely up to you. You can choose to share details or not, and you do not need to answer questions. You may even give an indication of what you are going to share in advance, so that they are more prepared to give you an appropriate response. They may ask questions, but you do not need to answer them. You do not need to provide details of your story if you don’t want to. They also do not need to know details to believe you.  

Sometimes people will ask, particularly people like parents, your partner, friends and caregivers, because they feel guilty or ashamed for not protecting you. While that hurts to watch, it is not your responsibility to comfort them. There are services your friends and family members can access for support like 1800RESPECT, if they are feeling distressed about the disclosure.

Remember:

Their response is not an indication of the validity or severity of your experience. Not everyone has the right knowledge or skills to provide support, and there may be many reasons why they may be unable to show up for you. Not all of those reasons are their fault and sometimes we have to be compassionate towards people who care about us, but don’t know how to show up for us. However, sometimes they can do better but choose not to. People supporting us should do their own work to be able to better show up for us. it’s very normal to be upset or angry if someone responds poorly to your disclosure. 

What do I do now? 

Disclosing an experience of sexual violence is an incredibly emotional time. It often feels exhausting, confusing, and perhaps relieving. Often these feelings are conflicting and are happening all at the same time. During this time, you should take care of yourself and do what works for you. For many survivors this includes things like:

• A hot shower or a bath
• Going for a walk
• Hanging out with friends or family
• Being alone
• Going to counselling
• Playing with a pet
• Giving your partner/friend a hug
• Watching TV
• Doing nothing in bed

These are only a few suggestions and there are so many more. Every survivor will respond differently, and every survivor resonates with different tools or actions that help re-centre themselves.

Counselling can be a really big help and there are practitioners who specialise in sexual violence counselling. We know how hard this is, but we still think it is important to have someone in your life whom you feel safe with and can talk about your experiences and feelings in a safe and supported environment. We believe that in talking to a counsellor, we can process and make sense of ourselves, our experiences and feelings. You deserve the chance to do this. You deserve the opportunity to let someone else hold the hurt, the fear, the self-blame and the harm with you. What we have been through is too heavy to hold ourselves. And if your counsellor does not feel like a safe and supportive person, you have a right to not see them anymore and choose someone else. You should never stay with a counsellor because you believe you have to. You have the right to work with someone who makes you feel safe, comfortable and supported.

When you’re ready, and if you want, you are welcome to join Survivor Hub’s MeetUps. MeetUps were created by us to offer survivors a space to connect, vent and support one another. MeetUps are a place you can go where you know that everyone else in the room just gets it. They get it because they are survivors too and they have the same or very similar experiences to you. You don’t need to explain the basics. You don't need to explain what you said or did not say or do. You don't need to explain why you went back, why you saw them again, why you went back to their house or got into their car. Survivors get it because we have all had similar experiences. 

Supporting recovery and safety 

Finding a support service is not always easy. Sometimes there are long wait times or high fees. In Australia some free support services you could look into are: 

• 1800 RESPECT: 1800 737 732 
• Full Stop Australia: 1800 497 212 
• The Survivor Hub’s MeetUps 
• Lifeline: 13 11 14 
• 13 Yarn: 13 92 76 
• QLife: 1800 184 527  
• National Association of Services Against Sexual Violence

Some support services can also connect you to other supports you need, such as information regarding legal aid, where you can link with specialist sexual violence counsellors within your area, or provide information of other places and organisations where you may be able to receive continued support. Staying safe is also an important part to remember, and support services can help you with this. Surround yourself with people you trust and reach out. If you feel in danger or unsafe, call 000.  

What do I do if someone I know has experienced sexual violence?

Believe them 

Not only believe survivors but really tell them you do. Survivors want to know they are believed and have people in their corner. Experiencing sexual violence is an isolating experience. People who use violence often deliberately isolate us to gain access to us. We are hurt individually and in isolation, but we heal in our connections with others and our community. Show us you are with us by telling us that you are.   

Listen to them 

Let survivors talk at their own pace and know they might never be ready. Do not interrupt, do not ask invasive questions. The details of what happened does not make survivors more or less deserving of your support. They deserve to choose whether or not to share. Show them they have your full attention by looking at them, nodding, or using open body language.  

Show your support 

Having someone close to you disclose can be difficult and confronting. Most of the time, people don’t know what to say or are terrified of saying the wrong thing. That’s perfectly normal.  

If someone discloses to you, the best first step is telling them that you believe them, you’re there for them and you care for them. Acknowledging how difficult it is and recognising that it would be hard for them to disclose to you also helps them feel seen and heard.  

Asking victim-survivors “How can I help?” or “How can I best support you?” lets them take the lead but also tells them you are there and willing to help. Affirm that they can take their time, and that you’ll support whatever action they’ll take (if any). It's important to make sure people don’t feel rushed or feel like they’ll still be supported if they change their mind.

Finally, remind them that what happened is not their fault, they aren’t alone, and they don’t have to navigate all of this by themselves.  

Do your research 

1 in 5 women and 1 in 16 men have been sexually assaulted since the age of 15. Anyone can be a survivor, regardless of race, ethnicity, body type, age, sex, gender, religion, sexual orientation, gender identity, gender expression, disability, class or any other diversity. It is also important to remember that violence does not have to look a specific way to be valid. There are many places you can learn more about the experiences of survivors, and how to best be mindful and supportive, as well. However, it is important to keep in mind who is delivering these messages too. Make sure the podcast, post or article is coming from a trusted source, and where possible, consume media created by victim-survivors. This uplifts, platforms and supports survivors' voices. A great example is that every post on The Survivor Hub’s Instagram is written by victim-survivors.  

Boundaries 

Create a safe space by listening carefully and being attentive. The survivor has trusted you by sharing their story, do not share it with anyone else unless you have a duty of care (e.g. under 16s). If you do have a duty of care and you need to report, tell the survivor you need to do so. You lose trust and rapport if you share someone’s disclosure without their consent or knowledge.  

Direct them to appropriate services 

• Full Stop Australia: 1800 497 212 
• The Survivor Hub’s MeetUps 
• 1800 RESPECT: 1800 737 732 
• Lifeline: 13 11 14 
• 13 Yarn: 13 92 76 
• Beyond Blue: 1300 224 636 
• QLife: 1800 184 527
• National Association of Services Against Sexual Violence

Check in 

Your support role doesn’t end here, it has to continue long after they disclose to you. You might want to check in and say something like, “Hey, how are you doing? If you want to talk, I am here”. Don’t be afraid to message survivors, they want to know that you are thinking about them and care about how they are. Sometimes survivors will find it difficult to reply and accept your support. Understand this and still stick around for if and when they are ready to accept support.  

How can I more tangibly support survivors in my life? 

Quality time 

Some survivors can isolate themselves in times of mental and emotional distress. Avoiding messages, phone calls, appointments and cancelling plans are key indicators of isolating behaviour. Spending time with others can help a survivor get out of their head, to regulate their emotions and manage their triggers. Spending time with a survivor can look like many things, but it's important to be mindful of the environment. Going to places that may further trigger a survivor is a no go. Some ways to spend time together can include lounging around at home, watching a movie, cooking dinner together, going for a walk and getting fresh air, having a picnic, op shopping or more. 

You can’t “fix” it  

It's never nice to see someone you love or care about feeling down and hurt. It's uncomfortable and might bring on the desire to do whatever you can to get them 'back to normal'. You can't push someone to feel better; it's all a process. It's important to meet that person where they're at. If you made plans and they've cancelled, it isn't personal. If they're rejecting plans to hang out at social events, it isn't personal. If you're not sure how to support them or show up, just ask. And if you're feeling frustrated that they're in that space, that's ok. But remember, you can't fix it for them, you can only support them through it. 

Tell them to take the day off  

Survivors can feel a lot of guilt for needing time out to process things, so encouraging time out is crucial. We all need a person to remind us to look after ourselves. 

Encouraging survivors who may be triggered to take time away from work, study and sports and dedicate time to looking after themselves also validates how they are feeling.  

Acts of service 

In some instances, a survivor may be in a deep state of stress and may engage in self-harming behaviour. These can look like many things from substance abuse, disordered eating, difficulty sleeping, isolation, not showering or doing their laundry, or hyper-sexuality. It's important to have a safe and non-judgemental space to check in and ask questions about any of these behaviours and to identify ways you can support a survivor in building back their emotional and mental resilience, and physical health.  

It might look like cooking or buying them a meal, reminding them to shower, cleaning and doing their laundry, encouraging them to get some exercise or building a sleep routine. In these times, it's really important to talk to them about seeking further support, whether from a GP or psychologist. And when these appointments come around, you can help by being a support person or providing a lift. 

Our stories are our own 

The stories of survivors are theirs and theirs alone. At times like these, it's important to remember that only we have the right to tell our story. Sharing the experience of a survivor without consent is incredibly harmful. Aligning yourself with a survivor to get proximity to their trauma for your own clout is violent. If you 'have survivor friends' you don't need to tell people or post that online. Survivors are real people, and what has happened to them does not define who they are.  

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