Mind the (age) gap: unpicking power dynamics in relationships

Have you ever had a gut feeling that something in your own or a friend’s relationship didn’t sit right? 

Like a compliment that felt more like they were trying to manipulate you, not actually celebrate you?

Or a relationship that seemed ‘off’ but you couldn’t quite explain why?

That could be your instincts picking up a shift in power dynamics within the relationship.

Put simply, power dynamics are about how much influence someone holds over another person. They exist in almost all relationships, whether it’s your friends, romantic partners, family members, teachers, or your boss.

Power dynamics aren’t inherently a bad thing, but they can be an issue when the person with more power uses it to control, manipulate, or exploit the person who holds less power. 

Unhealthy power dynamics can look really different depending on the relationship and the environment. Sometimes they’re obvious, especially when we’re standing on the outside looking in (think: the seriously younger or older person your friend is dating). But a lot of the time, especially at first, they’re not.

Grooming

A major way unhealthy power dynamics are created — and sustained — is through grooming.

Grooming is a pattern of manipulative behaviours which are complex and subtle, where someone in a position of power uses their influence to gain trust, break down boundaries, and ultimately control another person. It can look like:

• Excessive attention or constant over-the-top compliments:

A boss messaging you after work hours, saying: "You're more talented than anyone else here. That's why I see you as more than just a staff member."

Your teacher telling you: "You and I have a special connection. You're my favourite student."

• Gift-giving that creates a sense of obligation:

Being given an expensive gift, with a follow up request from the gift-giver which makes you feel uncomfortable: "After everything I’ve done for you, it’s the least you could do for me."

• Instilling fear of losing affection, opportunities, or status:

A senior colleague pushing you to come to after work drinks, telling you: "You're going places, as long as you stick close to me."

Your footy coach telling you: "I can easily replace whoever I want on this team. That's why I need you to always do right by me."

• Creating dependence and cutting you off from other support systems:

"They don't get how special you are. But I do."

"Don’t tell anyone about this... it's just between us.”

Power imbalances can show up in many ways within personal relationships too, especially when there are big differences in age, life experience, or independence between the people involved.

Recognising if and where those gaps exist can help you spot when a relationship is supportive and when it might be quietly tipping into something less healthy.

Getting the (power) balance right in age gap relationships

Hollywood loves an age gap relationship, from the older woman/younger man trend, as seen with Monica and Richard in Friends, Rick and Chelsea on White Lotus and Andy and April from Parks and Recreation. You’re not imagining it — there’s a persistent younger woman/older man dynamic shown as natural and common across most cinema. 

Age-gap relationships aren’t automatically a no-go. Plenty of people are drawn to life experience and the emotional maturity which may coincide with age, and they are sometimes more common in contexts like remote communities and queer circles.

But it’s no lie that age differences and life stages carry power, and it’s important to consider how this might show up and whether it poses an issue. 

One person might be old enough to go to bars, drink legally, and has planned a trip to Paris in summer, while the other person still needs permission from their parents to go to their best friend's house. One person might be working full-time and renting their own place, while the other relies financially on their family while they’re finishing their studies. Sometimes, the gap shows up emotionally too. One partner might have already had serious intimate relationships, while the other is just starting to date.

The older person’s freedom and independence means they can access experiences and opportunities the younger person simply can't. These gaps don’t always seem obvious at first, but over time, differences in life stage, experience, or emotional maturity can stack things unevenly between the two people. In some situations, the younger person can end up with less independence, fewer choices, and less opportunity to experience big life milestones on their own terms.

A relationship is healthy if you feel like there's shared decision making between the two of you and equal emotional investment. If you also feel you can openly communicate things, and that there's clear boundaries both of you respect — then great! 

Unhealthy dynamics can sometimes look like the older partner always calling the shots, or using their “maturity”, as a reason why their way is the only way to do things. This can also involve other controlling behaviours happening at the same time too.

You can check in with yourself by asking:

• Can I say "no" without fearing they’ll leave, get angry, or punish me?
• When I set a boundary, do they respect it or try to talk me out of it?
• Do they treat me like an equal, or more like someone they need to ‘teach’ or ‘fix?’

If you hesitate on these, it’s worth stepping back, talking to someone you trust, and taking a deeper look at what’s really going on.

Age gaps, power imbalances and the legal age of consent

The age of consent is the legal age at which a person can agree to sexual activity.

In most parts of Australia, the age of consent is:

• 16 years old in WA, NSW, VIC, QLD, NT & ACT
• 17 years old in South Australia and Tasmania

The age of consent isn’t just about hitting a certain birthday. It’s also about contexts, and power.

Just because someone is old enough to consent doesn’t mean the situation is safe. When there’s a power imbalance — like a 17-year-old student dating a 21-year-old teacher, or a 16-year-old being hit on by their 19-year-old boss — it can be unsafe, and sometimes, illegal. 

It isn’t true consent if the other person:

• Has authority over you (like a coach, teacher, or manager).
• Controls opportunities you care about (like good grades, shifts, or mentorship).
• Makes you feel like saying "no" would cost you something important within your career, education, or general life goals. 

Even if one person isn’t in an official authority position and all people are over the age of consent, power imbalances can come into play with only a few years difference in age, or a large difference in financial stability. 

Not all age-gap relationships involve worrying power imbalances, and not all power imbalances are worrying, as long as they’re not exploited. 

Ultimately, power imbalances are things we should be aware of and feel comfortable discussing and assessing. This way, we can figure out whether the relationships are genuinely supporting our growth or subtly limiting it, and help our friends to do the same.