"How do I ask for what I want during sex?"

This is so common and so normal, which I want to say off the bat because I want you to know that nearly everyone who now can say what they like and want during sex at one point could have submitted the exact same question and they overcame their fears to do so, so you can too!

I’m a consent educator, intimacy coordinator for TV and film, and an artist. I mention that I’m an artist because what we’re mostly working with here is your creativity, believe it or not. We’re going to be getting into specificity which is a big part of consent, but it’s also a creative muscle, it’s the backbone of your artistic voice, and it’s going to show you who you are in the most beautiful, elegant, organic way. When we talk about asking for what you want, we’re talking about self-expression, and that really is a creative act in any medium, including sex.

I’m going to outline some ways to practice asking for what you want outside of sex, but the TLDR answer to your question is, for better or for worse, you’re going to have to push yourself to just…do it. There’s no real trick here, you have to just say something. Just say, “I like that” or “Try it this way” and demonstrate. It is going to feel weird and unnatural at first, but I can promise you that eventually, with practice, it becomes second nature. You don’t ever graduate from timid to confident simply because you’ve been having sex long enough; you actually have to practice. I think there can be this illusion that some people are good at it and some are not and so if you’re not doing it, then you must be in the second camp. This illusion suggests that some people find it easy and they were probably just born that way, lucky them! And sad, unfortunate you and only you find it challenging and so you need specialized attention and help learning how to do this thing. Not true! You can and you will learn. But there’s no way to skip the part where you push yourself through a little discomfort. And why do you push yourself through a little discomfort? Because we are learning, together, how to communicate. You will fumble and you will try again. But you have to throw a little spaghetti at the wall to see what works and what doesn’t, what feels authentic coming out of your mouth and what doesn’t. You need to try in order to collect data, and right now you have little to zero data.

Practice. Practice, practice, practice. No opportunity is too small. You like how your partner cooked your eggs this morning? Try, “I love how you cooked these eggs.” Be more specific. “I love the texture of these eggs. They’re so fluffy. I like how they’re gooey but not runny, and yet not dry at all.” Watch them light up. You like their outfit today? Try, “Your outfit is so cute. I love that pattern combo.” Add some flare. “Those jeans hugs your butt so perfectly” and give it a squeeze. Ooh lala! Practice giving constructive feedback. Trust that your intention shines through in your tone, in your face, in your eyes because you are you and only you! Your particular delivery, in your unique voice tells your partner about who you are, about what you notice, about what you want, and about how you see them. You’re not being critical, you’re giving a compliment. Saying “I love how you cooked these eggs” likely does not make your partner wonder if that means you’ve never liked any of the other eggs they’ve made for you. Instead it means they’ll probably bookmark the way they made them today so they can make them for you again in the future. See what I’m getting at?

You can also make suggestions. “Have you ever tried adding shallots to your eggs?” “Can I show you how I learned to make scrambled eggs?” “Here’s my favorite tool for folding an omelet.” No one’s being criticized, no one is panicking about what this means about all the eggs they’ve ever made up until now. We’re collaborating, we’re learning, we’re experimenting. What’s more, you’re sharing about yourself.

It feels important to point out that making requests (something for you, like, “I want to try ____”) can feel way more vulnerable than making offers (something for them, like, “Do you want me to _____?”) But let’s switch roles. Imagine your partner said, “I just found out about this position we haven’t done, do you want to try it?” If it sounded interesting, if you were curious, you’d probably go wide-eyed and say, “Yeah!” If it sounded uncomfortable or ouchie or bad to you, your face might scrunch up, you might shake your head and say, “Mmmmmm, I don’t know about that one.” And then what would happen? You’d move on and probably have perfectly good sex, as usual. Do you think your partner can handle that? I bet the answer is yes.

Consent and especially sexual consent have been boiled down to mean permission, a binary yes or no. But the origins of the word consent reveal what we’re really doing: con means “with” and sent means “feel.” We feel, together. We ask not, “Am I doing this right” and, “Am I doing a good job?” but rather, “Do we like this?” and, “How does this feel to us?” The second set of questions gets at something much more creative, and gives you a much more informative answer.

So how do you speak up? I’m afraid you already know the answer. You’re going to learn to speak up by speaking up. It feels weird now because you’ve never done it. It’s unfamiliar. It’s the same with your fear that making suggestions or requests might lead to situations where you feel pressured to do more than you’re comfortable with. But imagine yourself a few years down the line, with years of practice speaking up. Imagine how it would feel to say, “A little slower,” or, “Stay there,” or “Actually let’s stop,” or, “Nevermind, I don’t like that!” not for the first time, not for the third time, but for the hundredth time. There’s a version of you not so far away who is already a pro at this. The gap between you and them consists not of some catalyzing event or series of events that makes you suddenly “ready,” but rather of trial and error. As far as feedback and direction go, the worst case scenario is you give it a shot, it comes out sounding clunky and weird, you say to your partner, “That came out so much more awkward than it sounded in my head,” and you both get to laugh about it before trying again.

As for finding yourself in situations where you’re maybe in over your head, or not quite ready, or just realize you actually don’t want to do something but you already started, there are two most likely scenarios that I can envision (given that it seems clear you’re in a loving relationship with a caring partner). In one, you say something along the lines of, “Actually I don’t want to do this anymore” and your partner is so relieved you told them and they stop. In the second one, you transmutate what feels like pressure into something like curiosity. Sometimes I find myself feeling pressure from the outside and I realize that as a result, I haven’t even asked myself how I’m feeling in the moment. When I do, I think, “I’d like to see how this feels, or how it changes over time” until I find my limit and put a stop to it.

When done carefully and with a lot of awareness, this kind of exploration can help us learn what we like and don’t like, for future reference. Sometimes you have to hit, or even cross a limit or boundary to know where it is (I could write a whole piece on this kind of communication, with self and others, but in short, move slowly, remember you’re always allowed to change your mind, and even mistakes can provide incredibly useful information about you and your body. It can be helpful to say these things out loud before you begin: “I want to move slowly and I might change my mind mid-way through”). I promise you your partner wants you to tell them what makes you feel good. Most people just want to know they’re doing a good job and guidance and direction can actually help your partner feel more confident in their ability to make you feel good. Give them that gift!

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