How to confidently step in and stop harm

Whether it’s in a gaming chat, at the workplace, or at a pub, we’ve all heard someone say something that just doesn’t sit right. You want to do something, but you’re not sure what. To create a safer place for all of us, it’s so important to call out disrespectful behaviour — regardless of the severity of that behaviour. 

This is what we mean by ‘bystander intervention.’ It can be uncomfortable and it’s not always easy. But it can make a huge difference. 

Consider this your very own handbook on how to be an active bystander. 

Imagine this:

You’re at a house party, and you’ve had a couple cold ones with your best mate. The two of you are super close, even your families are friends. Across the room, you see someone your mate has been interested in for a while now. The two of them have never really spoken, and you know your friend gets nervous when they’re both in the same room. But today, after kicking a few drinks back, your friend feels confident and walks over to their crush. Before you know it, your mate’s hand is on their crush’s lower back and they’re clearly uncomfortable.  

You feel weird, too. Maybe you laugh and shake your head from second-hand embarrassment. You consider saying something until the head noise kicks in:

“I don’t want to make a scene.”

“They’re probably fine and don’t care.”

“That’s just what they’re like when they’ve had a few. They’d never do that sober."

“It’s too weird if I say something, they might get salty with me.”

“I’ll look like a narc.”

You make the right call and decide to shut down the head noise and do something.

But first – safety check:

If you think getting involved may escalate the situation, especially if drugs or alcohol are involved, it may not be safe to step in. 

Where possible, bring in a friend so you’re not handling it all alone. And remember: if stepping in could put you or anyone else in danger, it’s okay not to directly intervene. There are other ways to help.

This is where the 5 D’s of bystander action comes in. 

You can:‍

1. Distract the person harassing by shifting focus: 

By providing a distraction, you give everyone the opportunity to distance themselves and stop the problem from escalating. You could say:

• “Hey, can you come with me to the bathroom quickly?”
• “Let’s go get some fresh air”
• “Your mate is looking for you!”
• “Do you want to get some water with me?
  

2. Delegate and get help: “Security? Bartender?”

Intervening is not something you should have to do alone. It’s a lot. If you see someone acting in a way that’s harmful or inappropriate, look around first — is there someone responsible for the space or event that you can get to step in? 

If you witness someone behaving inappropriately or harmfully, check to see if there’s someone in a position of authority who can assist you, before you go and confront them yourself. If you’re at a party, this can be a parent, the host, or a friend’s older sibling. 

At a pub, bar or club, keep an eye out for security, a bartender, or the manager. At festivals, look for event staff, or head to a volunteer tent, like All Good Project, or DanceWize. These people are experienced in handling these situations and have specific procedures for when things get out of hand.

Delegating to them helps make sure the person being harmed gets support, without putting yourself or others at further risk.

3. Document: (if safe) record it on camera

Keep your receipts. Keeping a record of incidents like these can help support those impacted if they wish to seek help later. 

But before getting your phone out, ensure that help is on the way and that it’s safe to take a video first  — acknowledging this may draw attention to yourself.

If the situation escalates, it may result in a report being filed, either within the venue (through security, or management investigation) or in a police report. 

If this is the case, jot down some notes on your phone, including the time and place it occurred, and any details you remember. Even small details can make a big difference later on.

4. Delay: Check in with the person being harassed after the fact. 

If you didn’t step in during the moment, you can still make a difference afterwards.

Checking in with the affected person goes a long way. It can validate their feelings if they’re upset and make them feel less alone. 

You might say:

• “Hey, I saw what happened, are you all good?” 
• “Are you alright? Want to stick with me for a bit?”
• “Hey, I just saw that. Pretty gross behaviour from them. Let me know if you want to leave or need any help”. 

Beyond that, you can offer to get them a glass of water or help them order a lift home.

5. Direct. If you’re comfortable and confident, call it out directly. 

If it is safe to do so, you can directly intervene and address the behaviour straight-up.

What you might say depends on the situation you’re witnessing, but generally, clear, calm and direct is the best way to go.  

If one of your mates has said or done something that feels wrong, you can say something along these lines: 

• “That’s a bit off — can we not?”
• “Are people still saying that?”
• “That’s a pretty weird thing to say.”

Even a bit of awkward silence amongst a friend group, or a message you leave on read, can make people think twice about what they’ve said or done.

If someone is being physically harassed, you could say:

• “They said no. You should leave.”
• “Move on, that’s enough”
• “You’re making them really uncomfortable.”

If you’ve got friends around you, bring them with you to provide support when you step in. This adds to your safety, and can make intervening more impactful. 

When more of us look out for each other, we help build a community where everyone feels safer, respected and supported.

Taking action, whether it's stepping in, getting help, or checking in afterwards, sends a clear message — harmful behaviour is not okay.

Stepping in isn’t about being a hero. It’s about holding people accountable for their actions and creating a culture where harmful behaviour isn’t accepted. 

It’s hard at times, but the right people will respect you for it.