Sexual consent: The TLDR

You may have heard: “consent is simple.”

We think that’s a pretty unhelpful statement. People aren’t simple and relationships are complex. Sex looks different every time. 

That’s not to say consent is hard — but it is a journey. It can be complex and exploratory, and that's exactly what makes it so valuable.

Whether you’re hooking up casually, in a relationship, or experiencing intimacy for the first time, understanding consent is essential. Not only because we want to avoid the bad stuff, but because consent is the key to genuine connection, comfort, and pleasure. 

The ways we communicate and practice consent can be different from person to person. But the basic stuff we need to follow is the same foreveryone. Let’s run through five key principles…

1. Affirmative and Communicated 

Affirmative consent is a clear and confident “yes” — much more than just “they didn’t say no.” Consent can be verbal, like “can I go down on you?” and “this feels really good.” or non-verbal, like someone leaning in or sustaining eye contact.

Assuming that someone’s into it because they’re not resisting, pulling away, or saying “no” isn’t good enough. It’s on all of us to do, or say, something to check for consent. Here are some pointers if you’re not sure someone’s into it:

• Ask them! “Are you keen to keep going?” “How are you feeling?” or “You seem unsure — do you want to stop?”
  

• Check their body language. If they’re shifting away, avoiding eye contact or closing off their body, that’s a sign of non-consent. Check in with them. 

• Create easy exits, like: “We can stop or slow down at any time,” or “we could just chill instead.” If you’re in a room alone with someone, avoid locking the door without asking their permission first. 

These moments aren’t mood killers — they build trust and actually make things hotter. 

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2. Free and Voluntary

Pressure ≠ consent.

Whether it’s emotional pressure, persistent asking, or using alcohol or substances to make someone ‘easier,’ none of that is genuine, freely given consent. 

If you ask and they say “no,” or even “I’m not sure," repeatingrepeating the question and using guilt, pressure, or trying to trick them into changing the answer to “fine” is technically called sexual coercion. Coercion can sound like:

• “If you loved me, you’d do it”
• “If you don’t, I’ll be so sexually frustrated I won’t be able to sleep.”
• “We’ve already done everything else, it’s not a big deal” 
• "You’re just being shy. Let’s have some drinks, and then you’ll feel different."
• “If you don’t do this to me I’ll send that naked photo you sent me last week to everyone”

Coercion is not consent, and it’s also considered sexual assault. 

We also have to be careful about power imbalances. For example, if someone is older, or has a position of authority like a boss, teacher, orcoach, it may create an imbalance of power that makes it hard for one person to freely say “no.” 

If someone says no to you? Respect it. No guilt-trips. No pushing. 

3. Ongoing and Mutual

Consent isn’t a one-time deal or a binding contract. It’s not as simple as ‘getting’ consent once and treating that as a green light foreverything. 

Just because someone said yes last night doesn’t mean they’re going to be up for it in the morning. People can change their minds at anytime, and it’s on you to create space for and respect that. 

Consent matters in long-term relationships, too. One in three sexual assaults happen in relationships. You never ‘owe’ your partner sex, and they don’t ‘owe’ it to you. Assumptions can blur boundaries, so the best relationships are built on mutual, ongoing communication.

Pay attention to people’s body language and check in regularly, especially if things are progressing:

• “Still good?”

• “Want to keep going or pause?”

• “Do you want to tell me what you like?”

And if someone changes their mind mid way through sex? Thank them for being honest and clear about where they’re at. Try not to take it as a personal rejection — they may be tired, just not into it anymore, or want to take things slower.

4. Reflective of capacity 

People can only consent if they fully understand what they’re agreeing to. That means if someone is too drunk, asleep, or otherwise not fullyaware — they can’t consent.

There’s no magic number of drinks that makes consent invalid, but if someone’s slurring, stumbling, or out of it, then they’re not in a place tomake informed choices. And just because someone’s said “yes” before doesn’t make it okay to assume you can do something while they’re asleep or half-awake.

Capacity also means someone must be the legal age of consent. In Australia, the age of consent is: 

• 16 years old in WA, NSW, VIC, QLD, and NT
• 17 years old in South Australia and Tasmania

Also, don’t assume that people with disability are unable to give consent — instead, support them in communicating it clearly and respectfully. t’s all about creating mutual clarity, no matter the situation.

5. Specific and informed

Saying yes to one thing doesn’t mean saying yes to everything.

Consent should be specific — just because someone is keen to make out in bed with clothes on, doesn’t mean they’re automatically consenting togetting undressed and going further. 

Agreeing to sex with a condom doesn’t mean someone is okay with sex without a condom. And being down for one act doesn’t mean you’re down for something unexpected like choking (sexual strangulation).

Everyone involved deserves to know what’s going on and make fully informed choices about their bodies.

Here are some helpful ways to be specific:

• “I’m only okay with using protection.”
• “I’m not ready to do X, but I’d love to do Y.”

Consent is also about honesty — stealthing (removing a condom without consent) is not just shady, it’s a form of sexual assault in many states and territories.

TLDR? Here’s what you need to remember: 

1. Consent should feel genuine and freely given, not forced or pressured.
2. It’s not just about avoiding harm, it’s about building better, more enjoyable intimate experiences and relationships. 
3. It’s okay if asking feels awkward at first. Asking for anything from someone can be tricky! But it’s still essential to do. 
4. You’re not weird or cringe for checking in. You’re confident, self-aware and empathetic!

Check out our mini documentary on consent to go deeper:

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