TikTok told me to set boundaries... what does that actually mean?
Written by Zenae Brown, a Teach Us Consent Youth Advisory Member
Boundaries are everywhere: self-help and relationship gurus on TikTok are encouraging us to set them, communicate them without fear, respect everyone else’s perfectly, never let anyone cross them, and get angry or remove them from your life when they do — even accidentally. Sounds like a lot of work— so what does it all mean?
Recently, ‘boundary’ has veered into buzzword territory, and while there’s masses of content out there about the topic, you wouldn’t be alone in feeling unsure about what boundaries are and aren’t.
Boundaries are:
The general meaning of the word is: a line which marks a limit in an area, restricted access or a place that cannot be entered.
In the context of relationships and ourselves, a boundary is a way for us to communicate our needs, both to ourselves and others. They dictate what you are comfortable with, how you want to be treated, and what you are and aren’t willing to participate in.
Boundaries are essential for healthy relationships because they help us communicate what we want and don’t want, build trust within ourselves and with others, and navigate relationships safely. They’re also a great way to keep your cup full, avoid burnout, maintain self-respect and practice self care.
Boundaries are not:
Boundaries are not rules about what you do and don’t want other people to do. They should not be used to change anyone else’s personal choices, or as a form of manipulation or coercion, but they’re often misused in this context.
Take Jonah Hill, for example. Last year, his ex-girlfriend and professional surfer Sarah Brady, shared text messages where Hill laid out his so-called ‘boundaries’ for their relationship.
These included things like telling her she couldn’t surf with men, post bikini photos, or spend time with certain friends. But that’s not technically boundary-setting. That’s rule-making and could be a form of coercive control.
So, how do we set boundaries?
Setting a boundary requires first figuring out what you want and don’t want, then building the confidence to clearly communicate it. This isn’t easy, because we often face social pressures, the feeling of guilt that arises when you say “no” to someone, or power imbalances that make that “no” difficult.
Communicating with someone who you love, care and trust for adds a layer of complexity. You may feel like you’re letting people down, or risking the strength of your relationship with that person. This is never the case. Instead, you’re actually making sure your relationship is authentic, honest, and solid in the long run.
Setting boundaries in a romantic relationship can sound like:
- "I’m not down with having unprotected sex, so I’ll only sleep with people who use condoms."
- "I’m not cool with us sharing our locations in this relationship, I feel like it’s excessive and I want to feel like you trust me without having to monitor me.”
- "I need space after a fight to decompress, so I’ll reply tomorrow.”
In these examples, the use of “I” reflects your needs and how you feel.
If your boundary includes language like “we” or “you,” this could be a sign that you’re (accidentally or intentionally) attempting to control or manipulate the other person. This can sound like:
- “I won’t be happy unless you change your outfit, that’s a boundary of mine.”
- “If you ever go out with your friends without telling me, we’re done.”
- “I can’t stay in this relationship if you don’t share your location with me.”
Boundaries can be used in other relationships and in your daily life
A cultural boundary can sound like this:
- “I don’t feel comfortable participating in this activity as it goes against my cultural values.”
Maybe you’ve got plans with friends but aren't feeling up to it anymore:
- “I’m not feeling like going out today, can we stay in or reschedule?”.
Boundaries can also be used in school or the workplace:
- “I won't be able to work outside of work hours on this task, can we discuss extending the deadline?”
Boundaries are a way to protect yourself and others and preserve relationships. Because, let’s be honest — why do something you don’t want to do?
It’s also totally natural for boundaries to change overtime.
Something you liked in the past, or something you were really excited for, might no longer do it for you. That's okay! It’s important to listen to your gut and continue asking yourself “how does this make me feel?” and, “am I still ok with this?”
When reflecting and asking these questions, it’s also okay not to feel certain about your feelings. In fact, you can communicate that, and set that very boundary: “Hey I am unsure how I feel about this, can I think about it?”
Sometimes, when someone sets a boundary with us — or we set one with them — it can trigger defensiveness. This might come out as lashing out:
“I thought you were my friend.”
Or being dismissive:
“You need to get over it, it's not that deep.”
These reactions can feel hurtful and they aren’t okay, but they don’t always mean the relationship is unhealthy or abusive. If someone hasn’t had good examples of what healthy boundaries look like, it’s common to feel rejected, abandoned, or misunderstood when boundaries are introduced.
In these situations, sometimes it's best to pause and sit with those feelings. Reflecting on what might be coming up beneath the surface can create space for more understanding and empathy when you revisit the conversation.
Though, it's important to remember: If they — or you — are repeatedly defensive, dismissive, or disrespect boundaries that have been communicated, that’s a sign to remove yourself from the situation, reflect, and seek support if necessary.
Everyone has different experiences with boundaries, which is influenced by their own personal identity and context, which show up in different ways. It’s helpful to remember this to help you extend empathy between you and the people around you.
Learning how to set and maintain boundaries is a journey, but they’re the foundations for healthy relationships with ourselves and others.
