"The Guy My Friend Is Dating Has Been Called A Rapist"

Thank you for asking such a thoughtful question with care and consideration, not only for your friend, but the survivor's stories and self-preservation, too.

This situation certainly warrants care and isn't a cut-and-dry answer. Your submission starts from a place of curiosity and honesty, in addition to admitting that you "don't know" how you'd navigate this if you were them. I want to focus on that statement and ask you to pause there. I think, based on your question, we're getting a revelation from your gut/intuition. You know something is off here. You're listening softly, and it sounds like you want to take action, but it also sounds like you feel you need to tread lightly.

I would invite you to lean back into that feeling of intuition and ask yourself, where do you get the most stuck on what to do? When you say you "don't know" what you'd do if you were them, what feelings arise? This is not only a way to help you process what you've heard, but also help you get clarity on how you feel about the situation and the many emotions involved. A feelings wheel may also be a helpful tool for you to further dissect your emotions.

From your submission, it's unclear how you came across this information (i.e., a night out, social media, etc.), but I also hear a fine line between wanting to preserve and validate the survivors' stories while also finding a way to find and communicate the truth. So let's parse out what comes next.

First, I hear you wanting to validate these stories, and I think we should honor them.

That value system lives within you. Trust it. Once you've taken time to reflect and get more clarity about your own feelings, it's time to consider how to approach your friend. This conversation deserves intentionality, not a casual mention between topics, but dedicated time and space where you both can process and have room to breathe.

You may feel pressure to have this conversation in person, and if you do, safety matters. This is a fragile situation that could elicit rage, disbelief, sadness, or a shutdown. Your friend deserves a space where she can feel all of this without being exposed or ambushed.

Consider a private setting, like your house, her apartment, or a quiet park. Somewhere she won't feel publicly exposed. Let her know ahead of time that you need to talk about something sensitive. Frame it honestly: "I'm not sure how to broach this, but I feel compelled to share something with you." While it may create some anxiety, it gives her mental space to prepare rather than being blindsided.

When you're ready to have the conversation, lead with compassion but be direct: "I heard something that's been weighing on me, and I care about you too much not to share it. Someone who knows [his name] told me about a specific incident where he sexually assaulted their friend. This is the second time I've heard something like this about [his name]. I need you to know because I want you to be safe and have all the information to make your own decisions. I take these statements seriously, and I would want to know if I were you."

There may be awkwardness or a long pause. Lean into it. This conversation requires space. Be prepared for the wide array of emotions. Your friend may immediately deny it, react in anger, question you, shut down, or say she needs time to process and can't talk further. All of these are normal and valid. Your job isn't to convince her of anything; it's to deliver the information you believe she deserves to know and hold space for whatever comes next.

On Verification and Belief

You asked whether you should "end things without verification," and I want to address this head-on because it's at the heart of your question. The answer is that this isn't your relationship to end, and verification is more complicated than you might think in these cases.

First, understand that in personal relationships, we're not operating in a court of law. You don't need "proof beyond a reasonable doubt" to take information seriously or to be concerned for your friend's safety. When someone shares that they or someone they know was assaulted (especially with specific details) that deserves to be believed and taken seriously.

Second, what would verification even look like here? A police report? A conviction? The vast majority of sexual assaults are never reported, and even fewer result in prosecution.

Yes, you're hearing this secondhand, which adds complexity. But you now know that two separate people in two separate situations this year have identified a man your friend is dating as having committed sexual assault. That's a pattern. That's information. Your body already told you it’s something you personally can’t ignore.

Your responsibility isn't to investigate or determine guilt. It's to share what you've heard so your friend can make informed decisions about her own safety. She gets to decide what she does with that information, including whether she believes it, whether she stays, whether she investigates further herself.

On Forgiveness and Accountability

You also asked whether forgiveness should be possible. Let's be clear about whose forgiveness we're talking about.

The survivors get to decide whether they forgive their assailant. That's their story, their healing journey, their choice. No one else gets to make that determination or pressure them toward forgiveness as some kind of moral ideal.

Your friend is in a different position. She wasn't the one harmed (that we know of), so it's not her forgiveness to grant. What she can decide is whether she wants to be in a relationship with someone who has harmed others, whether she believes accountability has happened, and what her own boundaries and values tell her to do. It’s also not your friend’s job to rehabilitate someone who has caused harm.

The harder truth is that patterns of sexual violence tend to continue. This person has been named by two different people in two different contexts this year alone. Your friend deserves to know that staying with someone like this means accepting significant risk to her own safety, even if she has evidence to the contrary.

Supporting Your Friend Through Her Process

After you've shared what you know, your friend gets to make her own choices, even if you disagree with them. She might stay with him. She might need time to process before deciding. She might end things immediately. She might even need space from you for a while. Whatever she chooses, your job is to remain a safe, non-judgmental person in her life.

That doesn't mean you can't have boundaries. You can say, "I support you, and I'm here for you, and I trust your decision.” If you need to create distance to stay aligned with your morals, you could add, “I also can't be around him or pretend everything is fine if you choose to stay with him." You can express concern while respecting her autonomy.

If it feels right, keep checking in. Not with judgment, but with curiosity about how she's feeling and whether she feels safe. Watch for signs of escalation or harm. Make sure she knows you're there whenever she needs you, whether that's tomorrow or six months from now when she's ready to leave.

Resources and Safety Planning

Encourage your friend to trust her gut. If something feels off, it probably is. If she's noticing controlling behavior, boundary violations, or anything that makes her uncomfortable, those are warning signs worth paying attention to. Have resources ready for local sexual assault advocacy organizations and domestic violence resources if things escalate. You don't need to push these on her immediately, but knowing they exist and being able to offer them when she's ready can be invaluable, and give you a sense of purpose and action.

Trust Yourself

You started this submission by saying you didn't know what to do. But I think you do know. You asked how to prioritize the survivors' stories while keeping your friend safe, and the answer is that you do both by telling her the truth. You honor the survivors by believing their experiences and taking it seriously enough to act on it. You honor your friend by trusting her with information she deserves to have about someone she's intimate with.

Thank you for caring enough about both your friend and these survivors to ask this question. That care is exactly what will guide you through this conversation.

‍