Dating and sex isn't a sport, and you're not striking out.
Written by Chloe Korbel, a Teach Us Consent Youth Advisory Member
If you’ve ever heard someone say first base, home run or striking out when talking about getting with someone, you’ve likely run into the ‘baseball metaphor.’
On the surface, the baseball metaphor is simply a way to hint at what went down with someone intimately. Peel it back, and it actually reveals some commonly held misconceptions people have about flirting, dating and sex.
So be a good sport, and bear with me, as we clear up once and for all that sex is, in fact, not like baseball.
“The 4 Bases”
Even if you aren’t a baseball enthusiast, you probably know the basic way to score — the batter has to run through three bases to get ‘home.’
This is used to describe stages of physical intimacy: first base (kissing) second base (sexual touching/‘hand stuff’) third base (oral sex) and home base (penetrative sex).
There are a few ways this is misleading.
If you’re actually playing baseball, you do have to run through each base to eventually get to ‘home.’ And it is true that each base has more points the further away it is from the starting plate.
But, if you take this and apply it to dating or sex, not only does it set an expectation that all sex or physical intimacy must follow a particular path or script and is always building to penetrative sex, but it also makes it seem like some sexual experiences are ‘better’ or ‘more valuable to achieve’ than others. This can also invalidate some experiences or relationships — like queer relationships — that may be less likely to adhere to these scripts.
The idea of foreplay being something you do to prepare for penetration sends a message that foreplay doesn’t count as ‘real sex.’ What’s more is that many of the sexual acts we call ‘foreplay’ are focussed on providing pleasure to women. Only 18% of women orgasm from penetration alone, so things like clitoral stimulation are essential to mutually pleasurable sex. Relegating this to simply ‘foreplay’ intensifies the idea that women’s pleasure should not be central to sex.
Touching, kissing, oral sex and anal sex are ‘real’ sex, and many people enjoy or prefer intimacy that doesn’t involve penetration at all. This can invalidate many queer experiences which can never be classed as ‘sex’ under this limited definition.
By focusing on trying to get to ‘the next base’, you can miss the real point of intimacy: connecting and having fun with someone.
“Striking out”
In baseball, “striking out” means missing your chance to score.
In the baseball metaphor of sex, striking out is when you are rejected, or don’t end up having sex with someone.
This idea of ‘striking out’ makes being told “no” or not having sex, seem like a ‘loss.’
Let’s be real: rejection can suck. It hurts to have been vulnerable enough to let someone know we’re into them and then find out they don’t feel the same way. It’s also totally natural and something we all experience — there are a lot of reasons people say “no” and not all of them are personal.
But when we view being told “no” as a personal failure, instead of a natural part of life or simply someone exercising their boundaries, it can reinforce the idea that we are entitled to physical intimacy. It’s our responsibility to manage our feelings and respond to a “no” with respect, and value people’s right to consent — which means stopping when they ask.
“That’s all good, thanks for being honest” is a great way to show the other person that you respect them, regardless of whether they are attracted to you or not.
Talking about what you do and don’t want is a big part of dating, flirting, and sex. And sometimes, that means rejection might be part of the conversation — which is not a bad thing! If someone feels safe enough to be honest and say “no” to you, it’s actually a sign that you’ve created a respectful space where they feel comfortable speaking up.
There’s lots of dating advice online that tells us to treat rejection like fuel — to get hotter, stronger, or more confident so it doesn’t happen again. And sure, wanting to grow is natural. But here’s the truth: someone not wanting to have sex with you doesn’t mean you’re not good enough.
Rejection does not make you any less attractive, loveable, or valuable.
Got game?
We’ve established that there’s no winners and losers in sex, so why do we discuss approaches to flirting as a strategy?
While pick-up artists might tell you otherwise, flirting shouldn’t always be treated as a means to have sex with someone. Flirting is a fun way to connect and a playful way to test compatibility. Like sex, it’s a practice that you can get more comfortable with overtime — no one’s just ‘got game.’
If the point is to see if you’re both interested, then flirting should involve showing curiosity and attention to the other person. This might look like asking questions about themselves and giving compliments. Whether online or in-person, this tends to be a good place to start.
A playful way to check if the other person is flirting is simply to ask “wait — are you flirting with me?”
Dating and sex can be confusing, exciting, and complex.
Using baseball as a way to explain dating and sex might seem helpful at first but, in reality it just makes things more confusing. It oversimplifies something that’s actually about communication, consent, and connection — not scoring points or ‘getting to the next base.’
