"Am I The Asshole If I Don't Like PDA?"

As we get older and move into long-term relationships, many of us eventually encounter the moment when one or both partners realizes: “Wait, we have different desires.” Maybe it shows up as feeling like you’re always the one initiating physical touch out in public, or as more subtle moments where there’s a sense one partner is more often in the mood than the other. Sex education didn’t prepare us for this.

So, how do you talk about it? Is it a sign your relationship is doomed? Let me tell you now that this is a perfectly normal experience, it happens to virtually everyone, and there is, in fact, hope.

I see what you’re experiencing as rooted in the same disconnect between people with mismatched libidos: physical touch is more than just intimacy, it can be a way of reassuring your partner that you care for them and want to feel connected in everyday moments. When one person wants that more often than the other, or in different contexts, it’s easy to feel confused about how to move forward.

In thinking about physical touch, I’ve personally never loved “love languages” as a scientific framework. There are a lot of other theories in relationship psychology that, to me, hold more weight. If you’re ever bored and feel like Googling, attachment theory and John Gottman’s “Four Horses of the Apocalypse" are more thoroughly researched. But love languages is the one that seeped through the cracks into mainstream conversation. By now, most people know the concept: that we feel most loved through one or many of five distinct ways; words of affirmation, acts of service, quality time, receiving gifts, or physical touch. I don’t necessarily think finding someone with the same love language is the end-all-be-all to resolving conflicts or feeling cared for, after all many of us would like all five of those qualities in a partner. I do think, though, that the rise in understanding of love languages helps us put words to some of our needs.

The framework teaches us that intimacy and touch aren’t always about satisfying a purely physical need for pleasure, but can be a type of communication that portrays love and a desire to be emotionally close. Physical touch is clearly important to your girlfriend. Maybe it’s important for you, too, but that need shows up in a different way, privately.

The reason I bring up love languages — and what I do actually like about them — is that they offer accessible language for talking about our needs, which is exactly what you two should continue doing. The fact that you both have already started this conversation is great! Coming to a conclusion requires effectively communicating what PDA signifies to her and why it makes you uncomfortable, so that you can reach understanding and decide how to move forward together.

From what you’ve shared about why your girlfriend finds PDA meaningful, it seems that for her, resistance to PDA feels like rejection. For women especially, who are often socialized into the role of being pursued rather than pursuing in dating, rejection may feel unfamiliar, unexpected, and therefore especially scary. We’re never taught how to cope with this fear of rejection. Healthy ways to process this could include reminding her that your boundary around PDA is not an act of personal rejection, but rather a limit to what you’re willing to do in a relationship. And even if it were, it wouldn’t define her worth as a person. Reminders of her desirability and importance within the relationship could help ground her in a more accurate and affirming perspective.

To answer your question more directly, I would never encourage you to betray your own boundaries to appease someone else. What you’re expressing is certainly a boundary and a healthy one: you’re communicating a need that would make you comfortable in a relationship, without controlling someone else’s behavior. Boundary setting doesn’t have to be framed as “putting a foot down”, rather naming what matters to you so someone else can know and love you as you authentically are. Many people share discomfort with PDA for the same reasons — that they associate physical touch with privacy, so you’re not alone in that.

Whether this becomes detrimental to your relationship depends on both of you, but it sounds like you’re invested in working it out, and I certainly think you can. There are ways to communicate your boundary that maximize understanding while minimizing feelings of rejection or hurt:

• “My boundary around PDA is about my personal comfort, as opposed to how I feel about you”
• “Physical touch is something that I associate with privacy. While we see this differently, it doesn’t mean I’m embarrassed by you.”
• “It’s important to me that my boundary is respected, but it’s just as important that you feel valued and cared for.”
• “Are there things I can say that would reassure you in moments when I don’t want physical touch?”
• Perhaps putting a name to the type of physical contact that makes you uncomfortable vs. those that feel okay, can help you plan for future outings.
• If showing affection feels okay in private moments, maybe you can make an effort to show physical affection in those settings that are more comfortable for you.

I hope if there’s one thing you take away, it’s that this isn’t about choosing between ignoring your needs or shutting your partner down. Try seeing the conversation as just that, a conversation, not a conflict. You’re already tackling the hardest part by starting to talk about it. Continuing down that path, with thoughtfulness about how you communicate is where you’ll find mutual understanding.